..torn

..life is in deed full of pain and grief.....just when you think everything's ok it just hits you with something that you never saw coming...

it's true that laughter is usually followed by tears...i was laughing so hard that day....

i never thought that my laughter would cause someone else's pain...

the worst part is the karma turned to someone i care for....

the laughter that i was giving out caused my husband too much pain....

why?.... how?.....

with just one text message....and a phone call from his brother....

i won't elaborate more on this...but just a clue

to leave you hanging...that text message sent me running home from work

an hour before my scheduled off....

...and that phonecall sent tears running down my husbands cheeks...

and the thing is he never cries...not unless it's because of me or his mom....

..up until now i'm trying to figure out what to do....

i don't know which is the best thing to do...

should i help him find a way to fix things....

or should i help him accept the painful truth of what's about to happen...

..to fix things means i will help him find a way to ease his pain...

but it also means that i will help him be selfish and not think of other's pain...

..to help accept the truth also means that i have to see him get hurt...

..it means that i may have to hurt him with the things that i have to say,.,

...If you were in my place what would you do?....

..freedom

...freedom as explained in wikipedia is or the idea of being free, is a broad concept that has been given numerous interpretations by philosophies and schools of thought.
---can i ask what is freedom to you?
...if you have all the freedom that you ever wanted do you think you'll be ultimately happy? will you use it wisely? will it do you good?....
...think about it....many people have all the freedom that they wanted....but they are not happy....why? coz they have over used their freedom...and it did not do them any good......
...just like this person i know...she's now as free as she ever wanted...you may see her now as a healthy young woman, compared to her figure before...but there's a catch...behind that healthy body that you are showing is a very unhealthy habit that she has....she may look more "malaman" now..but she's only growing bigger because of alcohol....and it's one thing that she's can't take out of her system anymore....
...think she can still fight her way away from alcoholism??....i hope she can....

..something stupid..

..i did something stupid..one thing that i never imagined myself doing...but it was worth it...i will not give you the exact detail of what i did...but one thing i'll tell you it was really worth it...there were a lot of things going on with our relationship..i thought it would really come to an end this time..i was ready to give up..actually i had already given up...i was leaving...but something held me back...what was it?? his hands...his hands shaking with fear of loosing me...his voice trembling..scared that i had already gone away from him...and him kissing my forehead and saying sorry...a sincere sorry... something that i don't usually hear from him...
..goodbye was the hardest thing for me to say...i already uttered those words to him a couple of times...but this time when i said it i really meant it...i gave up...i said goodbye...i told myself that it would be the last time that i'd say that painful word to him...but i guess that's one promise that's hard to keep...or maybe i could still keep that promise...THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'LL SAY GOODBYE TO LEO....how?i won't say it...i guess what i'm saying is that this time we'll make it last forever....and i hope we do... =)

gotta thing about liars...

wtf! being lied to sucks, right? especially when you are trying your best to be honest with that person and yet he can't even try to return the favor...and the worst part is he has the guts to get mad at you for getting mad at him for lying...i'm getting quite confusing right?

..here's the thing the night before my birthday i found out that he kept something from me..it wasn't really such a big deal...then the night of my birthday i found out that there was another thing that he tried to keep from me...and then the following day i found out another thing that he kept from me..and the worst part is he lied about it before i found out..and i believed him...and the best thing about thae last thing that he lied about is that i didn't have to snoop around to get the information...a concerned citizen told me what really happened....

..see i had the best birthday this year...

..i know that by know i should be gathering up all the courage that i need to get up and leave him....but i can't ='t...i just o9ve him too much to just get up and walk away from him....

..hey do me a favor...can you help me?? help me figure out what to do and how to do it?...

ber...

...roughly 2 weeks left before the month of september ends...but it's only now that i realized that it's already the month on "bers"....christmas and new year is just around the corner...

...it's only now that i realized that i've been here for three months now...and i need to pay a visit to bicol...hehehe...well we're planning to go home in october..but it still depends on the budget that we have..you see, life here is so "magastos!"... as in..hehehe... we have to pay the rent every end of the month...we have to buy the supplies that we need in our humble home...and with the sked that we have we can help but eat more than 5 times a day...hehehehe...

..in less than two months it's gonna be me and my mom's b-day....

...in 3 mos. (more or less) it'll be christmas...but base on the sked that was given to us it's impossible for me to be home on christmas...even on new year...i guess this will be the first chrhistmas holidays that i'll spend away from home...away from my family....

..more trials...getting stronger

...2 years and 8 months..that's how long we've been together...and for a moment i thought we won't get to this point...i almost gave up...i was ready to leave about a week ago...but he gave me a reason to have faith once more...now we are still together...until when??...i don't know...but i do hope this one would last until forever....

hon if you can read this Happy monthsary..i love you so much..mwaaahhhh...

c yah later... ;)

sleep deprived!

...i wanna get some sleep...some more sleep actually...i feel so sleep deprived... let me tell you why...

first of all i have work.it doesn't make sense that i'm sleep deprived just because i got work, right?...actually it's not just the work..it's the schedule...my shift is from 3:30am-12:30pm... and since i'm quite scared of leaving my place during wee hours in the morning i chose to go out at around 12am...so that means i'm up from around 10pm (i'm still so mbagal..i need more than an hour to prepare if i'm going out...hehehe)...then i only get to sleep at around 1:30 or later...coz that's the time i get home...so that means i'm at work from 12:30am-12:30pm....12 hours of being in the office, two hours for preparing for work, roughly an hour and a half of travel to and from work, and approximately an hour and a half for my meals (after work-12:30pm lunch, and 7:30pm for dinner)...for a grand total of 17 hours of being awake...that leaves me with only 7 hours to sleep... then there days when i'm not able to sleep at once coz it's either too hot or i'm waiting for someone...so that leaves me with less than 5 hours of sleep...

second reason why i'm sleep deprived is that somtimes i really don't sleep..wahehehe...i'm often awake in the afternoon until the time that i have to start preparing for work again...it's hard to sleep sometimes coz it get's too hot here...our room feels like an oven...literaly!

...well...sleep deprived or not...i really want to get some sleep right now...a good one week worth of all sleeping time...hehehe... antokin??

new place, new beginning

..it's been more than two months since i have left the quiet place where i grew up...yes, there were issues from that place that i had to get away from..but i never thought things would be this hard here...i've been staying in the busy place called Pasig...i've been here for more than two months...in the first few weeks i have learned to keep my mouth shut about some things...but of course there will come a time when you know you have to speak up...and that's what happened...

..someone was doing things that i didn't like...she was telling a lot of things about me...then i got pissed off, i confronted her...not knowing that a big mess would come my way once i spoke up...
..and yes that BIG MESS indeed came...and it didn't end there...even her parents are joining in on the fight that we have...which pisses me off and at the same time makes me the kind of animals they are...if they only knew what their daughter have been doing since she met my hubby...then maybe they wouldn't react that way...well...right now i don't care...they can do or say whatever they want..i don't give a damn...as long as i know that leo is on my side I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!...

..yes it hurts to know that you can't even fight for yourself at times when you know you have every right to do so...but what the hell...i can't defend myself?...i do care...i wan't to defend myself...but i don't want to stoop to their level...so i'll just keep everything to myself and stay as the intelligent young lady that i am...

..i still have leo...and i know i always will...

friends..farewell..

in the months that i have spent working at mbs i have made a lot of friends...and now that i am counting my remaining days in this company..i would like to post something about the people that i've met..people that have somehow made me smile..people that have been a part of, not just my working life, but life in general..

here are some of the friends that i've made and the times i've spent with them..kudos guys!!! i'm gonna miss you all.... (just press play to view the slideshow..hehehe)

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..life has been a huge roller coaster ride for me..thanks for sharing this ride with me guys...and for making each second of the ride worthwhile...til' then...
THANKS A LOT GUYS!!!

(inuman n lng kita pguli koh..hehehe..kung nuarin mn ito...hehehe)

..an open letter

..i wish to talk to someone..i want to tell her a lot of things..but i'm not allowed to talk to her or even text her...even i, forbid myself to communicate with her..but the thing is i really want to tell her things..i want to tell her how i feel...so i'll just post it here and hope that these will help lessen th heavy feeling that i hold in my heart right now..

_ _ _,
hi..it's me again..yeah! and there's an issue between us again...i just want to ask why you went to see my boyfriend?..isn't it clear that what ever it is that you had before is over now..it' been long gone..it's been a year..i know i'm not in the place to tell you this but please just respect the fact the he has a girlfriend now..and i'm his girl..pls stop communicating with him...i admit i'm jealous..i don't want to see you anywhere near my hubby...i don't want to see your name on his phone..i don't want to hear anything about you...i don't want you to be be connected to him in anyway..

..it's over between the two of you so just please leave us alone!..move on girl..and don't tell me that you guys are just friends coz i don't believe that exs could be friends at all..please just go on with your life and we'll go on with ours...i hope this is the last time that i have to deal with you...it's over...face it..get over it...move on...



----i hope my boyfriend gets to read this..i'm really bothered right now...the video that i saw of my hubby and his ex together keeps playing over and over again...i wanna make it stop but it won't..it makes me cry everytime...and the word sorry, no matter how many times and how sincere and regretful he seemed while apologizing can't still remove the pain that i feel now...and i do appreciate his effort to win back whatever trust i used to have for him..but right now, it is just too hard to trust him again..and like what i told him...the sense of security or sense of assurance that i used to feel is now gone..i'm just so filled with doubt at the moment...i want to believe him again..but it's hard...soo hard ='(

..counting the days...

it's true when they say that after every laughter, comes tears...in my 3-day stay in manila..i thought everything was going my way...i got what i went there for..a new job..a new contract..i met some of my hubby's friends..i had the chance to be with my hubby for the whole 3-day stay that i had in Manila..but unfortunately i found out something on the last day of my stay there...something that has haunted me since i learned about it..i was so hurt..but there's nothing i can do..what's done is done..even if the word sorry is uttered it still can not fixed the broken heart and broken trust that i have right now...i just wish i hadn't found out about it..maybe i'd feel a lot better today...well, right now all i can say is life sucks! BIG TIME!!... and FUCK LIFE!!!

as for now..life, no matter how much it sucks, must go on...and right now i'm counting the days til i get to leave bicol...counting the days 'til i'm away from the people who have made my stay here better...i'm gonna miss them..but the life and the memories that i've had from bicol is not something i want to have for the rest of my life...yes, i'm a bicolana...and i'm proud to be one...but this place has given me a lot of bad memories...memories that i want to forget...

the melai who will leave this province on the 14th will not be the same melai who grew up here...she will be smarter, stronger,...and she will start to build a new life...a life away from the persons who caused her pain and grief..away from the persons who made her hate the life that she has...

please don't

Please don't ask me what am i thinking
It's about you
And please don't ask me, I never can see you
What can i do
My first impulse is to run to your side
My heart's not free,and so i must hide
Please don't ask me
What i'm gonna say to you

I toss and turn, Can't sleep at night
It's worrying me,
I go to bed turn out the light
But your face i see
It only hurts the more i pretend
That we could ever be more than friends
Please don't ask me
Why I'm so in love with you

You could easily make me happy, that I know
But I try my best to never tell you so
I will sing to you my love songs, and pretend
but I'll keep my secrets right down to the end

Please don't ask me why I'm not talking
I just can't explain
And please don't ask me why I go walking out in the rain
I could not live the lie it would take
To have you near would be a mistake
Please don't ask me why I'm still in love with you
No please don't ask me

Please don't ask me
-by James Farnham

--this has always been one of my favorite songs since highschool...i remember my bestfriend (Arianne) singing this almost everyday...and i love it when she plays this song on her keyboard...i miss my bestfriend..i miss singing this song with her... well i guess i'll have to sing this song on my own for a while...but i do hope i get to see her soon...she's like my little sister...although she's older than me, she is definitely smaller that i am...hehehe... mishu best... :)

..crazy

..life has been crazy lately...i've been crazy...i just wish things would just go back the way they were...maybe..just maybe i'll be able to finish all the tasks i'm expected to do...


waaaahhhh!!!!!



i got to work now....

but i'm feeling quite sleepy....

feeling sleepy....




so sleepy....




must




not




sleep




must





work






...can't help it






...no!!!!!!!!!!







zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ





..melai is now asleep..
pls leave a message sa ym (LOLZ)...

12 months..12 persons..

..tagged by ate yhen again..

Here are the rules for this one..

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below)
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know that know by visiting their blog and leaving a comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you've done it.

Here are the 12 persons that i'm tagging:

1. ate nice
2. cris
3. mike
4. jam
5. haze
6. hazey
7. kr
8. mommy yho
9. kuya owen
10. halley
11. ruth
12. ate pre

the months and traits:

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others.Revengeful! Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive (lolz). Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Takes high pride in oneself. Too generous and egoistic. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious (not at all times). Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive (sometimes) but (not) petty (haha). Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

..took a risk

..today I took a big risk…as I write this blog I kept contemplating of the decision that I made... was it correct?..or was it a very big mistake that I will regret later?...i’m not sure if the move that I’ve made was another sign of my stupidity…or a sign that i have learned how to be stronger...more mature...

..they say that one shouldn’t be afraid of taking risks…well here I am...i took one…and I don’t know where this would take me…the decision that I made will affect everything that will happen in the coming days, weeks, and years…it will have a very big effect on my life…so far this is one of the biggest risks that I have taken in my life…pls. Lord don’t let this one break me…

..time is never really on my side…today I have made up my mind…that’s why I was rushing to send an e-mail to the persons concerned…but the USAP email was too slow…and when I asked someone about the matter…she told me that I need a hard copy and an approval from someone before I start counting the days…today my mind is made up…being feeble that I am when it comes to big decisions, I know that tomorrow I may start to think or believe the opposite of what I have decided today…

..the decision I have made today was a big one…and it took up a lot of my time and mental power (aba! Mental power ha!..hehe)…although I’m not 100% sure about it..i know that someday it’s something that I will have to do…and I’d rather do it now than wait and cause other people a lot of inconvenience..(bka nga mtuwa pa sila eh…hehehe)

..starting tomorrow I will start counting 30 days…30 days…30 days……..i’m not sure if I want those 30 days to last longer or shorter than it should be…..i’m gonna make the most of those 30 days….

mah' mom!

..tomorrow is mother's day...i often write my mom a letter to greet her...and each time she reads the letters and cards that i gave her it makes her cry...she tries to hide her tears from us, especially from me..but each time she tries, she fails...i can see right through her...i know when she's hurt..i know when she's frustrated..i know when she's happy..and growing up i have seen her hurt and disappointed too many times..although she tries to hide her pain with a smile i can still see and feel it...that' why this year i haven't given her a single card or letter..i didn't want to see her cry again... (i'm the only one who could make my mom cry..madrama ako eh,...hehehe)

this is my mama...
(sometimes i call her gurang...hehehe)

i love my mom..and although i'm so eager to leave her side i'd still like to tell her that i'll always be her little girl..no matter how much i've grown up now.....i know how painful it is for her to realize that her three girls are no longer girls...but ladies...or perhaps women...but i try to make her see that i'm still there for her no matter what...i just wish i had the guts to hug her tomorrow..but i can't...everytime i hug her tears just starts to fill my eyes...she's my strength..and amid the world of pain that i live in i have found refuge in her...just knowing that she's somewhere near me i feel completely secure...i hope she feels the same when all three or just either one of her three daughters are near her..

here are some of our pics...

(my face is bigger than my mom's...LOLZ!)

i love this pic...
i see how happy and proud she is that
i have graduated...yeah!

..by the way she fixed my make up for graduation..:)

i'm so proud of my mom...labyou gurang!...hehehe

Mama koh! labyou...
i'm so proud of you...
thanks for everything...
thanks for the strength...
thanks for always being there...
and for being a MOM and a bestfriend...

and speaking of mothers there is yet another on i wish to greet...my hubby's mom...Tita Myrna...She's a very strong woman..and i salute her for the strength she has shown despite everything that she had to go through....(and that was a lot..i'd rather wish i was dead than go through everything that she had to go through..)..she was one person who made me ask why awful things happen even to good people..well, she's lucky to have leo as a son..Leo loves her so much..and he never fails to tell and show her that...

tita myrna and my hubby...

someday i know i'm gonna be a mom too...(but not anytime soon)...i hope i'll be a good mom..and a good wife....

to both my mom and future mom (waheheheh) happy mother's day...i'm proud of you..and i love you both...i'm her always for both of you..and you know that...right...

tita myrna..i won't take leo away from you...i could never do that..he'll always be your little boy...

..and to my hubby..be patient..just wait...someday you'll be a dad too...and you'll b running after your little leo's... :) love you...

..me and my hubby

..my mind seems to be wondering off today..i cant think straight...and i can't pick up any idea for my articles today..so here i am blogging again..i miss my hubby...here are some of our pictures from the last time that he was here...

that's my hubby..unfortunately it's quite impossible to
take pictures of him without that tongue stick out..
..he's so makulet...and i love him...:)

after more than two years of being together
i still can't figure out why i still love sleeping on his chest...
(kakagising ko lng when he took that pic...)

this was an hour before leaving..we took a lot of pictures that day..
..i really love this pic...and i love it when he kisses my cheeks...
(sabay sabi ang "taba ng cheeks mo mahal koh"...LOLZ)

weeehhh! i miss my honey....
halata b? pareho kami double chin...hahaha

trying to keep a straight face...waheheh..it's hard..
especially when you have a clown beside you...he's my clown...
the only one who can make me laugh so hard...hehehe

..well...those are the pictures that i treasure so much on my phone..hopefully we'll have a lot more of these...he'll be coming home next next week...that would be May 20 or 21...we'll be taking more pictures of each other...weeeehhhh!!!!!

..summer

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash they're gone.
-the notebook

..it’s true that summer romances don’t usually last that long…maybe that’s why they are called “summer” romance or summer fling…but it also entirely depends on the two person involved if they want to make that summer romance last longer than the summer season…you can make it last…but you have to take a big risk…

..you’ll never actually know how your summer romance started, but you’ll definitely know why it ended – it wasn’t meant to last...for relationships or connections that started in resorts or in the beach, are supposed to end there…there is nothing wrong with it…but the thing about it is that you can’t lay your heart on the line…remember that it’s not gonna last…whatever connection you formed this summer could be formed with another person next summer, either you or the your summer fling will happen to flirt with someone else next summer… it’s hard to find security in a summer romance…all you’ll find is passion and fun…and when those two are gone…nothing will be left…but memories of a summer spent in the arms of someone who was also looking for just a mere playmate for the summer…

…the thrill of summer romances don’t last that long…when the warn air starts to grow cold…and when the summer sky starts to fade the passion will also start to fade…

..as for me...summer don't mean anything more than swimming and hot sun...and as the song goes "the summer sky don't mean a thing" (missing you by meja)...my summer will not be complete if i don't get to spend even just a day of swimming and flirting in the pool with my hubby...i know it's quite impossible for now coz were both quite busy..but we'll make it happen...even if summer's gone... :)

..regret

..regret comes in different shapes and sizes (just like some auto parts and accessories)..i just hope that the regret that's about to come to me isn't in the form of something that i've been scared of for the past year...

don't let go too soon, don't hold on for too long..

i read a blog post titled hang on..actually the next three paragraphs you are going to read is the comment i posted there..i just had to respond or comment on that post..especially on the line don't let go too soon, but don't hold on for too long...when is it too long, and when is it too soon?

..i don't think you'll ever know when it's too soon or too long...coz when you love someone often times you are blinded by that love...and of course you'll hold on as long as you can..no matter how painful things, issues, and words are starting to grow..maybe you'll only realize that you've been holding on for too long when you've already let the other person go..when you've finally and totally moved on..looking back at the past will make you see a lot of things..especially the things that you didn't see before...

and you'll never know that it's too soon until you feel the regret of letting the other person go..and realizing that there was somehow a big potential between the two of you..if only you didn't let him go..if only you fought for whatever it is that you feel for that person...

never be afraid to take risks..whether it be a risk of letting go or holding on...risks and regrets come hand in hand..but you won't feel so much regret if you enjoyed taking that certain risk...if taking that risk has somehow made your life worth living...

..can't write

..i can't write..:(( i know i gotta focus..and i'm trying so hard to focus right now...but no matter how hard i try all my efforts seem insufficient...my head hurts..my eyes are kind'a sore..i wish i knew how to keep my thoughts in just one direction - work..

..a lot of things are running in my mind right now..things that i should stay clear of for the time being...i gotta focus...my brain's starting to give up on me...my physical energy is at the top..but my mental energy is at its lowest...

..i have to think straight...or else!....

..need time..

..today was such a bad day...if only i could just run away and hide somewhere...somewhere no one can see me...somewhere i can be alone...a place where i can sob and cry all i want...a lot of disappointments came my way today..and one of them is a little too heavy to bear..i wanna clear myself of everything around me..and i mean EVERYTHING!..i will face all of these..but i need some time off before i do...

..lately

..i haven't been myself lately...slowly things that used to matter the most to me are starting to slip away....he knows how busy i've been..he knows how hard the changes have been for me...i know he's trying to understand everything that's happening...but it seems that he can't....i know i'm hurting him with everything...every hour that i seem to manage to make him feel unimportant...but it's not true...he's still important...very important to me...it's just that lately i have to joggle a lot of things...a lot of important things...i hope he gets to read this....i don't know how to explain myself to him...i want things back the way they used to be...but i'm afraid that slowly i'm growing..growing more preoccupied with so many things..dealing with the life that i have here-away from him.....growing more mature...slowly growing away from him.....

..slowly i'm getting used to him being away...to him not being able to be there for me.......slowly i'm getting used to not having him....i don't want to get used to it......i gotta go back to who i used to be...i gotta go back to the person who's always longing for him.......i gotta go back.... ='(

six random things.....

..got tagged by ate nice...

since my brain's not functioning properly today...i'll try this one..it might help..hehe

here's the rule: Link to the person who has tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Share six un-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. Let these random people know that they are tagged by leaving comments in their blog. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

So here we go:

1. i don't like seafoods..even fish....

2. i wake up every time i receive a text message at night, then fall asleep again even before i reply...hehe...

3. one of the main reasons why i go to my lola's house every sunday is to watch csi...that would be teh only time i watch tv for more than 30 min...

4. the very first thing i do when i wake up is check my phone for calls and messages...

5.i always read other peoples ym stats..just to relax my mind a little when it's starting get a little too tired...

6. i can't sleep without my bear..(take note my bear is wearing a bikini top..heheh)

...am now tagging ate yhen, jam, hazey, chris, kr, twnx.....

..playing with hearts...

..can you blame someone if that person starts falling for someone else?..i mean what if you loved someone so much..you were inseparable..then one day you got separated..you both fought for whatever it is that you had..you loved each other a lot...but what if because of your short comings that person found someone else?..what would you do?..would you still continue to love that person?..would you force yourself to be with that person despite the fact that his/her heart now belongs to someone else?... what if you were on the other person's place?...will you just forget the love that you once shared?..will you think that you'll be happy in the arms of your new love?...are you sure it's worth giving up the old love that you've had for years just for the spark of a new flame?....think about it..it's hard enough just thinking what you would do if you were in their place...what if you really were.....can you imagine that agony?...i sure can't.......

..if you were in the place of the one who's falling, be careful...if you are only playing you have to be very careful...remember you are playing with hearts....three fragile hearts...one belongs to the person you've loved, the other to the person you are falling for...and the other...guess to whom it belongs......

..it's yours my dear...your heart.....

..it will break too if ever you made the wrong choice....

..be careful...be very careful....

..tagged by ate yhen

1. Song that always makes you sad? Dance with my father...
2. Last thing you bought (food?)? fit&right (apple)
3. Last person you argued with? mama
4. Do you put Butter before putting the jelly on? nope..i don't like peanut butter....
5. One of your stuffed animals' names as a kid? booboo (until now...i have a stuffed toy named booboo)
6. Did you ever own at one time a Nysnc Cd? ..yup....i still listen to it....
7. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
8. Favorite Sundae topping?: chocolates
9. Did you take Piano lessons? nope...never liked to play musical instruments
10. Most frequent song played? back in to you-amber davis....
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy? one tree hill...
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey? basketball
13. Date someone older or younger? i'd probably go with the older guys....i see younger guys as my little brother...
14. One place you would wish to travel right now? anywhere basta my beach...or pool...hehehe
15. Do you use umbrellas? ..yup...
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem? ..nope...para ano pa?hehehe
17. Favorite Cheese? ...ahmmmm...cheese?! hehehe...
18. Disturbed or My Chemical Romance? my chmical romance...i'm not very familiar with disturbed...
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes? brunettes...
20. Best job you ever had? ..ahhhmmm...as a writer...hehehe
21. did you go to your high school prom? ..yup.......never regret i did...:)
22. perfect time to wake up? 9 am....
23. perfect time to go to bed? 12 midnight
24. do you use your queen right away in chess? ...ahmmmm...i don't play chess..i don't know how to...
25. Ever been in a car accident? yup
26. closer to mom or dad...or neither? mom....
27. what age is this exciting life over for you? 20-21...(hmmm...bkit kya....hihihi)
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?: ..this decade...
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned? my last pair of black shoes...the pointy ones...hehehe
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school? yes..my p.e. uniform...
31. Were you in track and field?: nope...but i liked running..fast...hehehe
32. Were you ever in a school talent show? ..nope...thank God!..hehe
33. Have you ever written in a library book? ..yup...a lot of times...hihihi
34. Allergic to? sea foods like crabs and shrimp....
35. Favorite fruit? mango, apple (fuji apples)
36. Have you watched sex and the city? ..once i think....
37. Baseball hat or toque?baseball hat...
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap? shampoo first....
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?: wet the toothbrush first...
40. Pen or pencil?: pencil..or sign pen...maarte ba?hehehhe
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino? nope...
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?: nope..never been on a plane...
43. Have you thrown up in a car? ..yup...hehe...
44. Have you thrown up at work? ..yup...but no one knew...until now..hehehe
45. Do you scream on roller coasters? ..yup....
46. Who was your first prom date? i didn't get his name..hehehe...he was in fourth year..i really didn't know him...
47. Who was your first roommate? ..my sis...
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time? ..beer...red horse....
49. What was your first job? office assistant....real job?...writer...
50. What was your first car? none so far, but i had one that was named to me only in the papers....it was a Toyota Tercel...
51. When did you go to your first funeral?..my dad's.... :'(
52. How old were you when you first travelled away from your hometown? ..5 or 4, i think....
53. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Seminiano...
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? haven't been on a plane trip...kulet nmn..hehe
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?: my elementary friends...
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Merlyn...unfortunately we lost contact........
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent's house? ..i haven't moved out...but i'm planning to...
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? ..my hubby.....
59. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? ..my mom's friend
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning? ..text....
61. What was the first concert you attended?: ..first concert...ahhhmm....i believe it was imago...
62. First tattoo or piercing? ear piercing…tattoo...henna...
63. First celebrity crush? Justine Timberlake...Kevin Cosner....:D

..i'll tag cris, jam, hazey, and kr.........

..web of lies

..lies has always been a big part of life...the word life could form the word lie, right?....it is something avoidable, but still some choose to utter lies than tell the truth....did you know that a single lie could complicate even the simplest issues....yes, it can...and a single lie could form a whole entangled web...and once you're caught in that web...it's hard to get out...it's hard to free yourself from the lies that you have tied around your own being....

"..the most hurtful kind of lies are the ones delivered by the people you care about the most...it makes you doubt everything you know..and makes you wonder why care so much..and worst of it all, it puts you in a position where you have to decide whether to tel them you know they're lying, like you're too dull to even know the difference...keep this in mind the next time you lie to someone who cares about you more often than not...they know it...and it hurts a lot..."

-grey's anatomy

..next time you think about lying to someone..think twice before doing so...loving someone who has lied to you a lot of times is very painful...and sometimes it gets exhausting too...if you don't want to loose that person..don't lie...they'll understand and appreciate the truth a lot more rather than sweet lies....a person in love often knows when the person they love is lying......they sometimes just choose to be silent about it.... :(

..be strong!

.."be strong lagi dito ha mahal koh..."..this is what he told me yesterday while i was comfortably wrapped with his arms, crying like a baby...

tears won't stop flowing right now...no matter how i try to fight them...they just won't stop falling...i gotta be strong...i gotta be strong...i can't cry!!! i shouldn't cry!!!

..he's off to manila again...my comfort zone is leaving again... (yup...he's my comfort zone...he's the only person who knows me totally..he's one of the few persons who knows what to do or say when i'm crying..)

..like the rain outside, my tears are still falling...maybe i'll take a walk in the rain later....just maybe....maybe the rain will wash away all the pain that i'm feeling right now...maybe the rain will wash away all the emptiness that i'm feeling...

..goodbye for now...

..yesterday(feb 18,08) i took a trip to a place i used to visit every weekend....it's been more than three months since i last visited that place...a lot of things have changed..but still some things, places and views remained the same...padang still showed memories of reming's wrath....but weeds are already starting to grow on some areas...the trip didn't take exactly an hour...it was more like a 45 minutes ride from legazpi...i was looking out the window the whole trip..usually i was asleep the whole 45 minutes of the trip..but this time i wasn't...i was busy watching the view outside....then a familiar comfortable feeling set in...i knew i was only minutes a way from one of my "comfort zones"....i was only minutes away from seeing him...i admit, i'm still quite stressed out, but the trip made me relax...by the time that i got there, signs of stress or anything negative didn't show (except for the very blooming pimple conveniently located on my chin..)...the trip lasted for 45 minutes, but for me it only lasted for 5 minutes or so....i stayed with him the whole day yesterday...but for me it lasted for less than an hour....we tried to make the most of the time that we had...but still it wasn't enough....but there's nothing we could do...before i went home tears started to flow...the assurance that i used to have is now weaker than ever..but still he tried to reassure me that everything will be ok...i hugged him...i hugged him so tight..tight enough to make it last til the next time i'll get to hug him again.....i hugged him as if letting him go would rip my heart out...as if letting go means breathing for the last time...i wanted that day to last forever..but then again it can't.....so for the last time that day i said that i love him so much...then we headed to the terminal where my ride away from him is waiting.....i kissed him one last time before i entered the van...then waved goodbye.....goodbye for now....seeing him walk away from the van that i was in was quite painful...it was just like the first time he left......on my ride home my eyes were still busy watching the view outside...it was raining...the trip lasted for 45 minutes..but i felt like a year...it was raining hard last night...i kept watching the rain fall on the window of the van...the rain won't stop...just like my tears..they won't stop falling....i felt my heart being ripped away from my chest as i travel....the sights, the places that i see going to that place and going home are the same...but they don't give the same feeling...i'm happy whenever i'm headed to that place...but the view going home hurts me in a way....i was leaving my comfort zone again...i knew that the moment i stepped out of the van i have to be the tougher melai...."be strong lagi dito ha.." that's what he told me yesterday.....he knows how weak i am..he also knows how strong i can be....i am strong..he just triggers my weak side, every time...the moment came...i got off the van...i felt all the colors from that day drain away from me....then i went home as if it was just an ordinary day...

today he's off to manila again....i asked him to text me when he's at the terminal, when he's on the bus...i asked him to text me where he is...i didn't know that it would be such a torture...as i write this blog tears won't stop flowing...my nose is all red from crying...and so are my eyes...

as promised i'll be a little less hard on my self..i'll try to be happy now...i know he won't be by my side anytime soon..but i'm willing to wait...whatever it is that's running through my head right now...whatever doubt i have, i'll just keep my mouth shut about it...he's one person i don't want to loose..not anytime soon...he's one person i never wanna loose...

..HONEY I LOVE YOU

..doubt

Doubt is a status between belief and disbelief. It is uncertainty or distrust of a fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. It brings into question some notion of reality, and may involve delaying relevant action out of concern that one might be mistaken or at fault.

The term "to doubt" can also mean "to question one's circumstances and life experience".

..doubt is one thing that can ruin almost everything...but it is a state of mind that is inevitable..some say that you'll only smell something fishy if you keep sticking you nose in it..same with doubt, you'll only doubt a certain situation, words, actions, or person if you keep thinking of reasons to doubt them...but what if it's the other way around?...what if you keep trying to find ways and facts to make yourself believe that person or situation but you just can't seem to find anything?.. what if all the reasons for you to doubt that person is laid out in front of you but you refuse to look at it...you refuse to see the facts..you refuse to believe the truth...what if accepting the existence of the facts means totally loosing whatever trust you have for that person?.. what if seeing the truth means loosing the other person completely?..any relationship can not exist without trust...trust doesn't mean that you'll never doubt the person..trust means you are hoping that the person will not fool you in any way..will not lie to you under any circumstance...in short, trusting someone means believing that the other person will be completely honest to you..no lies..just truth...i want a relationship built not on lies..i want honesty...i've been fooled and lied to a lot of times..i think i've had my fair share of lies...

facts are laid in front of you..everything, every detail tells you that what's running inside your head for the past few days is true..what will you do?.. will you believe the facts?.. or will you choose to believe the person who keeps denying the facts?..the person who told you that he wants to be with you..the person who keeps telling you that he wants to spend his life with you...
what will you believe? the facts or his words backed up with his actions?....

i wish he was here to explain everything...i wish arrives before i.............. :(

"..melai quit connecting the facts, will you?...you'll only hurt yourself..you think too much...... stop thinking too much..you'll only hurt yourself...........forget everything....just let it pass......everything will be ok....." - this is what i've been telling myself for the past few days...........but it seems i'm too stubborn to listen even to myself... :'(

..babies

..while doing some surfing on the net i stumbled upon pictures of someone i know..i saw her pictures with her babies..it looked so cute..she looked really happy..it would be so nice to have kids of my own..the pictures made me wonder if i'll also be that happy with my "future" babies.. (parang ang dami yta nun ha..BABIES..hehe)..the truth is i want to have babies..maybe two or three of them..but not in the very near future..hehehe..i'm not yet ready..maybe a year or more from now i will be ready..for now i guess i'll settle looking at pictures of my friends and acquaintances with their little chanax....

..someday i'll have a family of my own..kids of my own..by then i hope i'm ready..i know i'll be ready... i hope i'll be a good mother to my future babies..and a good wife to my future hubby (take note..ndi HUBBIES...hehe.. faithful ako!!) hahaha..

..for now i gotta go back to work..i gotta work hard.. it's for my own good..hehe.. (hindi nko mxado mgppasaway promise!!...)..

..by the way he's coming home on the 18th..if, indeed, he's here on the 18th i promise i'll be a little less hard on myself.. :) i know i'll be happier.. stronger.. better?..i hope so.. :)

..my first time (hehe)

..i've been tagged by ate yen...this is the first time so i guess i'll try this one...hehe

1. Name 1 thing you do everyday: i sing...even if i'm out of tune or i don't know the lyrics..i just sing (some call it tula or ngmumura daw ako..hehehe)
   

2. Name 2 things you wish you could learn: ice skating and play drums!!! yeah!!!

3. Name 3 things that remind you of your childhood: (1) plastic chairs.i accidentally fell off from one of those and hit my head..and although it wasn't that tall i couldn't stop crying...what?! i was a kid..a kid with a big bukol..i fell hard..ouch!!! (2)paper dolls ( -i loved paperdolls..i used to buy one every day..and at the end of the day i'd see my paper doll swimming in the plangana..it drowned..i forgot that i didn't know how to swim..hehehe... (3) lunch box -Papa always prepares our snack..he often makes sandwich with ham, cheese, mayo and sometimes mustard...he likes to make those kinds of sandwich..i wonder why i never grew fat when he was still there to cook for us..hehehe..

4. Name 4 things you love to eat but rarely do: fries..i don't have the time nor the money to visit my old friend jobee, instant canton..i can't find the time to cook..whenever i have the time i'm too lazy to cook..no one's gonna cook it for me...so i'll settle not eating canton at all... sisig (ninongs!).. still i don't have the time to go there..and i'm not allowed to go there any more...pizza!..don't have the money and time...(see time lagi kontra sakin! hmpf!!!)

5. Name 5 things that make you feel good: (1)text messages from my significant (hmmm) other....wahehehehe... (2) keeping myself busy... (3)junkfoods (loads of junkfoods...)...(4)soundtrip.. (5) the so called "power nap"!!! yeah!!!

..so who am i gonna tag?...i think i'll go for
halley, kuya owen, ruth,
ate nice, jam,ate ailene.. :)

take care you guyzzz.....

..lss (last song syndrome)

The lights are now on us
The stage surrounds us
But it’s you
It’s you i remember

This maybe our best gig
The most well attended
But it’s you
That i wanna be with

Cos whenever you’re not here
There’s this void i feel within
It’s you i crave
And need

[Chorus]
Cos i’m here, and you’re there
It’s too much for me to bear
So hold on, soon i’ll be home

The times ???
Gets too familiar
What i want
Is to be with you

Cos the last song syndrome here
Is your voice i hear so clear
You said you’ll wait
For me

[repeat Chorus]

I miss the way you touch my face
I miss the way to say my name
I miss you, oh baby
I wish you’re here with me

Cos i’m here, and you’re there
It’s too much for me to bear
So hold on

[repeat Chorus]

Soon i’ll be home

..this is a song of the band stonefree...i've been singing it for quite some time now..but i never really knew the words...but now i know the words...the whole song..the song makes me sad..so sad..but at the same time it gives me some kind of hope... soon i'll be home...i'll be home....HOLD ON!!!!

..moving on, but not letting go

..last monday he was supposed to be here..but he wasn't because of some financial issues..on the 12th he's going to puerto galera for their team building, that's why he still can't be here...of course, on valentines day he won't be here bcoz of work..and even if he was here i have work..i can't be with him..so he promised that he'd be here on the 18th...but then again that trip to puerto galera is postponed..it is deemed to be moved on the 18th... what the !@#$!!!!! (yaku mgmura ng bulgar sa blog..sori ha..hehehe)...whatever plans we've made is once again doomed to be changed.. haven't i learned? you might ask..sad to say, i haven't...i'm still not used to the feeling of getting too excited about him coming home and then suddenly just plainly and disturbingly disappointed...life can be so frustrating sometimes..but there's nothing i can do...weeping is the only option i have right now...actually it's not an option..it's an involuntary reaction of the eye (my eyes) whenever i feel disappointed..i'm really disappointed at the moment...tears are starting to fill my eyes..but i don't want to cry..

..have you ever missed someone so much to the point that their voice could actually make you weep?...to the point that you wanna call that person to hear his voice but you know you'll only end up crying..so you'll just settle not to hear his voice..(sorry if your starting to hate me bcoz i'm so open about my emotions sa blog ha..hirap lang kc kimkimin lhat...) i don't know if he reads my blogs...he's seen some of them, but not all..but i do hope he reads this one...i want him to know how bad i'm feeling right now..but i don't want to tell him directly..i want him to come home..even for just awhile...even if i'll only be with him for a few hours...i just wana see him again...i miss him so much, it hurts a lot..last monday i stared at his picture, it made me cry...i can barely remember his smile..i can't remember how it feels to hold his hand..haAy.. :'( even for just a few hours...let me be with him...please... :'(

..team nice

..saturday, feb. 02, 08..for the first time i got the chance to hang out with team nice...we played badminton..i never thought i could have that much fun (no offense guys ha..hehehe...i wasn't in the mood to be makulit that day e..hehehe)...but i did...i enjoyed every moment that i spent with them...thanks guys...

..kuya owen was beaten by halley.. ate nays thought ruth how to play badminton...ruth can now play badminton...i learned a couple of things about them..i didn't think i'd be comfortable with them at once..but i did become comfy..i learned that kuya owen is not as serious as i always thought he was..halley is somewhat childlike, makulet..ruth nutritionist? hehehe..she's pretty much concerned with her well-being (go girl!).. ate nays..lives up to her name...hehe..she's really nice...i think i'm gonna enjoy being here..i'm gonna enjoy being part of team nice..

..after that afternoon (evening) jam with them i went home with a lot of muscle pain and a smile on my face..i had a great time..i have met a lot of people here in MBS...and i'm glad i met all of them.. :) (see! my whole world doesn't revolve around 1 person!..hehehe..)

..thanks guys..thanks a lot.... :)

..ice skating

"When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness. Will they make noble choices or will that person be someone untested? Someone new? Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. When it does - is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone who'll watch over you when you stumble and fall, and in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone.."

..these words were taken from one of my favorite tv series - one tree hill... these lines made me think..is there someone watching over me? will he wait till i stumble or will he catch my fall?..i've had my share disappointments and failures in my life..stumble? i stumbled a lot in the past...but the thing is life is just like ice skating -when you really don't know how to ice skate...when you fall you try to get up..the more you try to get up the more you'll fall, and sometimes you'll fall harder..when you've already managed to stand up and you think you can manage to take one step or one glide..you'll fall..a lot harder than your previous fall..a lot more painful..at one point you'll get tired and think that it is better to sit on the ice and just let the cold temperature eat you up...but isn't it better to keep trying to stand up and skate?...coz after several hard and painful falls you'll learn how to stand up on ice with skates on your feet..sooner or later you'll learn how to walk on ice..you'll learn to glide..all you need is courage to stand up and take that first step..sooner or later the bruises and wounds you got from falling too hard will no longer be visible..they will all be nothing but marks or memories of the times you fell....picture yourself in a rink (ice skating rink)..you are standing alone at the center..who do you see standing next to you? who will take your hand and help you make that first step? who will help you stand up when you start to fall again...will that person wait for you to fall or will he catch your fall so you won't hit the ground..when you are in a rink the only thing the other person can do for you is hold your hand tight..he can't catch your fall..he can guide you but he cannot make the steps for you...

..When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with?..i'd face it with him..but i won't hide behind his back..i won't hide..i won't be afraid..he need not protect me...i have to face life..all he can do is hold my hand and lead me to the light..he can't face life for me..this life is mine to face and to conquer..

..if life comes rushing at me i'll be ready..
..i'll face it...

..the first

..it's feb.1...its the first day of the month of hearts...it's a bitter-sweet month..some, like the commercial of an anit-dandruff shampoo, will be spending a "black valentine" this year instead of the usual red and romantic ones. as for me, right now i'm not thinking about valentine's day...february is the month that my father died..that' why this is kind of a bitter-sweet month for me...i miss papa, a lot actually..while i was surfing the net yesterday i got the chance to read blogs, articles about life and stuff..in one of the blogs that i've read the writer mentioned her dad..based on what she's written i can tell that she shares a tight bond with her dad..i wish i did too...but sadly, i'm not that close to my father..he died when i was 12, so i didn't really get to talk to him much about life, work, love and school (i often tell school stuff to my mom..i can barely talk to him without getting yelled at...).. when he died i kept telling myself that it was entirely his fault why i didn't get to spend time with him...the thing is, he spends time with my two sisters...i'm always left with my mom..that's why i never learned to cook...coz he never really taught me..among the 3 siblings, i'm the one who gets yelled at the most...i'm the one who gets the most spanking...i hated him...i blamed him for every failure that i encountered during my elementary days..but now that i've grown up i realized a lot..i realized that i was too be blamed too.. that despite everything that he's done, i could have been a better person..i could have used all those things to prove to him that i'm better..that i'm more than the failure that he sees in me...but its too late to make him see that now...he's gone...


..i got this pic from the internet...i really miss my dad..it's been 9 years..nine regretful years..if only i could talk to him...i'll show him that he could be proud of me too...the way he's proud of my sisters...

"..sometimes i listened outside her door, and hear how my mama cries for him, i pray for her even more than me, i pray for her even more than me..i know i'm praying for much too much, but could you send back the only man she loved, i know you don't do it usually, but dear Lord she' dying to dance with my father again.."

..this was from the song dance with my father..originally it was sung by luther vandross, then revived by celine dion...i don't like hearing the song..i don't like reading it's lyrics...but the lyrics are somehow etched in my mind...the whole song is one of the l.s.s that seem to haunt me..only it's the sole lss that keeps playing in my head, complete with lyrics..i hate this song because it makes me see the reality that no matter how strong my mom appears to be she still needs my dad..to help her out...to just hold her in times that everything's a mess...

..the date Feb 14? i haven't thought about it much...maybe a little..not because it's valentines day, but because it's a special day for "us"...i know my mom will get through this valentine's day as peaceful as she could...she's been alone for nine valentine's already...i know she misses him..but i also know she'll get through..she has me and my sisters..she'll always have me...

..test of fate?..

..talk about getting your hopes high..i got the bad news last night..once again i got disappointed and hurt...have you ever had the feeling that no matter how you try make your plans work, they just won't work out..no matter how you try to be with someone, even for just 1 day, fate is just not on your side..like something's always keeping us from seeing each other..this would be the second time that he planned to come home, but something came up and he can't come home..i was really happy when he said that he'll try to come home this weekend..but something came up, it's not possible for him be with me this weekend..he can't come home..but i totally understand the situation...its just that i got my hopes high..too high maybe...just too see them all crashing down...when will i ever learn?!....i can't help but feel really sad right now...and i'm not feeling well, either...i don't want to mope all day but i'm really feeling down..i gotta be strong..not just for myself but for someone else..someone who, i think, is as disappointed as i am..fate once again is playing its tricks on me..on us...i just hope we'll make it through...i know we can..we just have to be strong...this test of fate is really pissing me off..but there's nothing i can do, i gotta fight...i have to be strong...

..if only i could ask fate to stop playing tricks on me and just leave me alone...but i guess i can't do that...no matter how hard i pray it will still continue to do what it does best-play tricks on every one..these tricks, trials, or tests (or whatever you might call them) are suppose to make me strong, right?...just have to hold on to life...