..goodbye for now...

..yesterday(feb 18,08) i took a trip to a place i used to visit every weekend....it's been more than three months since i last visited that place...a lot of things have changed..but still some things, places and views remained the same...padang still showed memories of reming's wrath....but weeds are already starting to grow on some areas...the trip didn't take exactly an hour...it was more like a 45 minutes ride from legazpi...i was looking out the window the whole trip..usually i was asleep the whole 45 minutes of the trip..but this time i wasn't...i was busy watching the view outside....then a familiar comfortable feeling set in...i knew i was only minutes a way from one of my "comfort zones"....i was only minutes away from seeing him...i admit, i'm still quite stressed out, but the trip made me relax...by the time that i got there, signs of stress or anything negative didn't show (except for the very blooming pimple conveniently located on my chin..)...the trip lasted for 45 minutes, but for me it only lasted for 5 minutes or so....i stayed with him the whole day yesterday...but for me it lasted for less than an hour....we tried to make the most of the time that we had...but still it wasn't enough....but there's nothing we could do...before i went home tears started to flow...the assurance that i used to have is now weaker than ever..but still he tried to reassure me that everything will be ok...i hugged him...i hugged him so tight..tight enough to make it last til the next time i'll get to hug him again.....i hugged him as if letting him go would rip my heart out...as if letting go means breathing for the last time...i wanted that day to last forever..but then again it can't.....so for the last time that day i said that i love him so much...then we headed to the terminal where my ride away from him is waiting.....i kissed him one last time before i entered the van...then waved goodbye.....goodbye for now....seeing him walk away from the van that i was in was quite painful...it was just like the first time he left......on my ride home my eyes were still busy watching the view outside...it was raining...the trip lasted for 45 minutes..but i felt like a year...it was raining hard last night...i kept watching the rain fall on the window of the van...the rain won't stop...just like my tears..they won't stop falling....i felt my heart being ripped away from my chest as i travel....the sights, the places that i see going to that place and going home are the same...but they don't give the same feeling...i'm happy whenever i'm headed to that place...but the view going home hurts me in a way....i was leaving my comfort zone again...i knew that the moment i stepped out of the van i have to be the tougher melai...."be strong lagi dito ha.." that's what he told me yesterday.....he knows how weak i am..he also knows how strong i can be....i am strong..he just triggers my weak side, every time...the moment came...i got off the van...i felt all the colors from that day drain away from me....then i went home as if it was just an ordinary day...

today he's off to manila again....i asked him to text me when he's at the terminal, when he's on the bus...i asked him to text me where he is...i didn't know that it would be such a torture...as i write this blog tears won't stop flowing...my nose is all red from crying...and so are my eyes...

as promised i'll be a little less hard on my self..i'll try to be happy now...i know he won't be by my side anytime soon..but i'm willing to wait...whatever it is that's running through my head right now...whatever doubt i have, i'll just keep my mouth shut about it...he's one person i don't want to loose..not anytime soon...he's one person i never wanna loose...

..HONEY I LOVE YOU