changes

..for the past few months i've faced a lot of minor and major changes...honestly i'm quite confused as to where i stand and who i really wanna be...do i remain as the simple, not-a-care-in-the-world melai that i was in highschool, or do i wanna be the somehow-active me in college..or the kikay melai during Channel days..or will i be th e melai in USAP that hangs around and just enjoys everything and everyone around her...or will i be leo's girl, simple, sweet, caring and honest (and thin..hehehe..kelangan ksma yan)

i'm trying to revive the melai that started this blog...the person who likes to wear eyeliner, who knows how to wear and walk in heels...i wish i could get her back...i left her about two years ago when i decided to move out...i like her better than who i am now...the person others see in me now has somehow forgotten how to take care of herself..

but what if getting that old me back also means loosing leo and everything else i have now...is it worth the risk?

..lately

..i haven't been myself lately...slowly things that used to matter the most to me are starting to slip away....he knows how busy i've been..he knows how hard the changes have been for me...i know he's trying to understand everything that's happening...but it seems that he can't....i know i'm hurting him with everything...every hour that i seem to manage to make him feel unimportant...but it's not true...he's still important...very important to me...it's just that lately i have to joggle a lot of things...a lot of important things...i hope he gets to read this....i don't know how to explain myself to him...i want things back the way they used to be...but i'm afraid that slowly i'm growing..growing more preoccupied with so many things..dealing with the life that i have here-away from him.....growing more mature...slowly growing away from him.....

..slowly i'm getting used to him being away...to him not being able to be there for me.......slowly i'm getting used to not having him....i don't want to get used to it......i gotta go back to who i used to be...i gotta go back to the person who's always longing for him.......i gotta go back.... ='(