..the first

..it's feb.1...its the first day of the month of hearts...it's a bitter-sweet month..some, like the commercial of an anit-dandruff shampoo, will be spending a "black valentine" this year instead of the usual red and romantic ones. as for me, right now i'm not thinking about valentine's day...february is the month that my father died..that' why this is kind of a bitter-sweet month for me...i miss papa, a lot actually..while i was surfing the net yesterday i got the chance to read blogs, articles about life and stuff..in one of the blogs that i've read the writer mentioned her dad..based on what she's written i can tell that she shares a tight bond with her dad..i wish i did too...but sadly, i'm not that close to my father..he died when i was 12, so i didn't really get to talk to him much about life, work, love and school (i often tell school stuff to my mom..i can barely talk to him without getting yelled at...).. when he died i kept telling myself that it was entirely his fault why i didn't get to spend time with him...the thing is, he spends time with my two sisters...i'm always left with my mom..that's why i never learned to cook...coz he never really taught me..among the 3 siblings, i'm the one who gets yelled at the most...i'm the one who gets the most spanking...i hated him...i blamed him for every failure that i encountered during my elementary days..but now that i've grown up i realized a lot..i realized that i was too be blamed too.. that despite everything that he's done, i could have been a better person..i could have used all those things to prove to him that i'm better..that i'm more than the failure that he sees in me...but its too late to make him see that now...he's gone...


..i got this pic from the internet...i really miss my dad..it's been 9 years..nine regretful years..if only i could talk to him...i'll show him that he could be proud of me too...the way he's proud of my sisters...

"..sometimes i listened outside her door, and hear how my mama cries for him, i pray for her even more than me, i pray for her even more than me..i know i'm praying for much too much, but could you send back the only man she loved, i know you don't do it usually, but dear Lord she' dying to dance with my father again.."

..this was from the song dance with my father..originally it was sung by luther vandross, then revived by celine dion...i don't like hearing the song..i don't like reading it's lyrics...but the lyrics are somehow etched in my mind...the whole song is one of the l.s.s that seem to haunt me..only it's the sole lss that keeps playing in my head, complete with lyrics..i hate this song because it makes me see the reality that no matter how strong my mom appears to be she still needs my dad..to help her out...to just hold her in times that everything's a mess...

..the date Feb 14? i haven't thought about it much...maybe a little..not because it's valentines day, but because it's a special day for "us"...i know my mom will get through this valentine's day as peaceful as she could...she's been alone for nine valentine's already...i know she misses him..but i also know she'll get through..she has me and my sisters..she'll always have me...