..tita myrna's with the angels now

..i know it's a bit late now for me to be posting this, but this is the only time that i know i'm ready to share this to others without crying....

last january 19, of this year my hubby's mom joined our creator. yes, tita myrna is gone...i know it was harder for leo than it is for me...but i saw his pain..i had to be strong for him...i couldn't show him how weak i am...

january 18 we went to quiapo church to light a candle for tita's health and also to attend mass..later that day we went to my boss' house..it was his baby's 1st birthday..we thought everything was ok with tita since we haven't recieved any txt messages from her or kuya nel that day...but leo and i both thought it seems us that neither of them txted us that day..but we still went on with our usual jamming with other friends..good thing i was on leave that night..coz the call that leo got early the next morning devastated him. around 5 am leo woke up...he went to the cr and he brought his phone with him...that rest room rests in a spot where there was no signal..there was no way a phone call or a text message could go thru...but a phone call did...leo's uncle called him...unfortunately the cgnal was too low the line was breaking up so he just ended the call..his uncle called again..this time the line was clear...leo heard the news loud and clear...when he went back to our room i thought he was just fooling around coz i couldn't see his face..it was only then when i felt his body shaking that i realized that he was crying...tears flowed even before i could ask him what happened...somehow i felt his pain and knew what happened even before he spoke a single word...but still i asked him...when i did he slowly curled..sat down hugged a pillow ever so tightly and uttered the five words that tore him in everyway... "ala n si mama koh"...that's exactly how he said it...when he said those words i hugged him as tight as i could thinking that it would make him feel that i was there for him and also to try to hide the pain that i was feeling at that time...i couldn't show him my tears...my weakness...i had to be the strongest person that he could lean on...coz if i show him how i felt he would be in so much more pain than he already was...

..later that morning i told him that we had to pack our things so that we could take the earliest trip home to bicol..."no, matutulog muna aq. pag gising ko ok n ulit.buhay pa si mama.paniganip lang to hon dba..."...those words made me realize that it will take time before he accepts the fact that tita's gone...i held him until he fell asleep...i called my boss up and informed him of what had happened..i appreciate his concern..he immediately filed a bereavement leave for me even if it wasn't a close relative that died..he extended his condolences to leo...and he texted me almost everyday to see how i'm doing and to know how leo's holding up...

as soon as leo woke up we ate breakfast and prepared to leave for bicol...at around 12 noon we already had a bus ticket and were on our way home...we didn't know what to expect when we get there..i don't know how he would respond..and i know how to console kuya and him...i also didn't know how to console myself...the whole 12 hour trip went by so fast we didn't even notice it..i just saw us standin' on the street staring at a familiar gate...their gate...we went in as if he didn't live there....i walked as if it was my first time to be in that place...

it wasn't my first time visiting their house...i've been there so many times...and a lot of those moments i was there with him and his mom..i've talked to her a lot of times, saw her smile, watch her as she laugh at her son's crazy ways...i have also seen her upset, disappointed, and in soo much pain...i've visited her in the hospital once or twice and stayed there with her for a couple of hours while waiting for leo to arrive...i've looked at her eyes many times....so many times that it was enough to see that she was just holding on for her baby - my Leo...

kuya nel held him as tears flowed...he said "wra n c mama boi"..leo showed kuya that he was strong...he didn't cry..not a single tear fell....yes, he's a masked man, but not to me...coz no matter how hard he tried he couldn't hide his tears from me...and he doesn't try to hide his pain from me anymore...i saw it in his eyes that he was in so much pain knowing that his mom's gone and feeling how devastated his brother was...

despite our long travel..we stayed up until morning...i went home to my own family..went to the mall with my mom...to my surprise before i left for the terminal my mom gave my bags of groceries to bring to tita's wake....i was there everynight during tita's wake...i was also there in the funeral...almost everything i saw during those days broke my heart...but i saw those people that held leo and tita special in there hearts...they were there extending there condolences and shedding tears...and sharing their memories of tita myrna....

i know tita is with the angels now..and i know she's happy wherever she is...and if i could hug and talk to her i would hold her tight and say thank you for everything that she has thought me...and evrything he has thought leo.....and i would tell her that i'm gonna take care of his son until he wants me to do so...

..the first

..it's feb.1...its the first day of the month of hearts...it's a bitter-sweet month..some, like the commercial of an anit-dandruff shampoo, will be spending a "black valentine" this year instead of the usual red and romantic ones. as for me, right now i'm not thinking about valentine's day...february is the month that my father died..that' why this is kind of a bitter-sweet month for me...i miss papa, a lot actually..while i was surfing the net yesterday i got the chance to read blogs, articles about life and stuff..in one of the blogs that i've read the writer mentioned her dad..based on what she's written i can tell that she shares a tight bond with her dad..i wish i did too...but sadly, i'm not that close to my father..he died when i was 12, so i didn't really get to talk to him much about life, work, love and school (i often tell school stuff to my mom..i can barely talk to him without getting yelled at...).. when he died i kept telling myself that it was entirely his fault why i didn't get to spend time with him...the thing is, he spends time with my two sisters...i'm always left with my mom..that's why i never learned to cook...coz he never really taught me..among the 3 siblings, i'm the one who gets yelled at the most...i'm the one who gets the most spanking...i hated him...i blamed him for every failure that i encountered during my elementary days..but now that i've grown up i realized a lot..i realized that i was too be blamed too.. that despite everything that he's done, i could have been a better person..i could have used all those things to prove to him that i'm better..that i'm more than the failure that he sees in me...but its too late to make him see that now...he's gone...


..i got this pic from the internet...i really miss my dad..it's been 9 years..nine regretful years..if only i could talk to him...i'll show him that he could be proud of me too...the way he's proud of my sisters...

"..sometimes i listened outside her door, and hear how my mama cries for him, i pray for her even more than me, i pray for her even more than me..i know i'm praying for much too much, but could you send back the only man she loved, i know you don't do it usually, but dear Lord she' dying to dance with my father again.."

..this was from the song dance with my father..originally it was sung by luther vandross, then revived by celine dion...i don't like hearing the song..i don't like reading it's lyrics...but the lyrics are somehow etched in my mind...the whole song is one of the l.s.s that seem to haunt me..only it's the sole lss that keeps playing in my head, complete with lyrics..i hate this song because it makes me see the reality that no matter how strong my mom appears to be she still needs my dad..to help her out...to just hold her in times that everything's a mess...

..the date Feb 14? i haven't thought about it much...maybe a little..not because it's valentines day, but because it's a special day for "us"...i know my mom will get through this valentine's day as peaceful as she could...she's been alone for nine valentine's already...i know she misses him..but i also know she'll get through..she has me and my sisters..she'll always have me...