..the first

..it's feb.1...its the first day of the month of hearts...it's a bitter-sweet month..some, like the commercial of an anit-dandruff shampoo, will be spending a "black valentine" this year instead of the usual red and romantic ones. as for me, right now i'm not thinking about valentine's day...february is the month that my father died..that' why this is kind of a bitter-sweet month for me...i miss papa, a lot actually..while i was surfing the net yesterday i got the chance to read blogs, articles about life and stuff..in one of the blogs that i've read the writer mentioned her dad..based on what she's written i can tell that she shares a tight bond with her dad..i wish i did too...but sadly, i'm not that close to my father..he died when i was 12, so i didn't really get to talk to him much about life, work, love and school (i often tell school stuff to my mom..i can barely talk to him without getting yelled at...).. when he died i kept telling myself that it was entirely his fault why i didn't get to spend time with him...the thing is, he spends time with my two sisters...i'm always left with my mom..that's why i never learned to cook...coz he never really taught me..among the 3 siblings, i'm the one who gets yelled at the most...i'm the one who gets the most spanking...i hated him...i blamed him for every failure that i encountered during my elementary days..but now that i've grown up i realized a lot..i realized that i was too be blamed too.. that despite everything that he's done, i could have been a better person..i could have used all those things to prove to him that i'm better..that i'm more than the failure that he sees in me...but its too late to make him see that now...he's gone...


..i got this pic from the internet...i really miss my dad..it's been 9 years..nine regretful years..if only i could talk to him...i'll show him that he could be proud of me too...the way he's proud of my sisters...

"..sometimes i listened outside her door, and hear how my mama cries for him, i pray for her even more than me, i pray for her even more than me..i know i'm praying for much too much, but could you send back the only man she loved, i know you don't do it usually, but dear Lord she' dying to dance with my father again.."

..this was from the song dance with my father..originally it was sung by luther vandross, then revived by celine dion...i don't like hearing the song..i don't like reading it's lyrics...but the lyrics are somehow etched in my mind...the whole song is one of the l.s.s that seem to haunt me..only it's the sole lss that keeps playing in my head, complete with lyrics..i hate this song because it makes me see the reality that no matter how strong my mom appears to be she still needs my dad..to help her out...to just hold her in times that everything's a mess...

..the date Feb 14? i haven't thought about it much...maybe a little..not because it's valentines day, but because it's a special day for "us"...i know my mom will get through this valentine's day as peaceful as she could...she's been alone for nine valentine's already...i know she misses him..but i also know she'll get through..she has me and my sisters..she'll always have me...

..test of fate?..

..talk about getting your hopes high..i got the bad news last night..once again i got disappointed and hurt...have you ever had the feeling that no matter how you try make your plans work, they just won't work out..no matter how you try to be with someone, even for just 1 day, fate is just not on your side..like something's always keeping us from seeing each other..this would be the second time that he planned to come home, but something came up and he can't come home..i was really happy when he said that he'll try to come home this weekend..but something came up, it's not possible for him be with me this weekend..he can't come home..but i totally understand the situation...its just that i got my hopes high..too high maybe...just too see them all crashing down...when will i ever learn?!....i can't help but feel really sad right now...and i'm not feeling well, either...i don't want to mope all day but i'm really feeling down..i gotta be strong..not just for myself but for someone else..someone who, i think, is as disappointed as i am..fate once again is playing its tricks on me..on us...i just hope we'll make it through...i know we can..we just have to be strong...this test of fate is really pissing me off..but there's nothing i can do, i gotta fight...i have to be strong...

..if only i could ask fate to stop playing tricks on me and just leave me alone...but i guess i can't do that...no matter how hard i pray it will still continue to do what it does best-play tricks on every one..these tricks, trials, or tests (or whatever you might call them) are suppose to make me strong, right?...just have to hold on to life...

..princess

..he called me a princess!(kilig..hahaha)..yes, he already called me that before, but last monday it felt different..i don't know why..heheh..all i know is that he made me smile (i was kind of galit kc that time..)..then he said a lot of things..i really couldn't imagine him saying them..but he did..and i'm really happy.

i miss him..but slowly i'm growing more mature..i know i had "tantroms" the whole week last week, but it ws not another case of me being immature..it was more like a PMS..(yeah! may PMS din ako!!hahaha).. and there were also a lot of issues that i had to deal with...now i'm back..and i'm happier...i could go on 8 hours(my working hours) without getting disappointed at him for not texting me...but of course, i still anticipate his text..i still text him...

..he's going to puerto galera on feb.12...yeah! i don't like the idea but there's nothing i could do.i'll just have to trust him..a lot!..hehe..i saw pics of puerto galera on the internet..the pic didn't help at all...they made me feel even worst...puerto galera has loads of resorts..beautiful resorts..white sand beaches..it looks so summer..and i bet ti looks perfectly romantic at night..i don't want him to be there with other girls...but again, there's nothing i could do, right...i have to trust him...and pray that he doesn't fall for any of his team mates during those days that he'll spend there with them..

..it's 10:42 am..it's really really cold here at my station..i'm freezing...i can feel my whole body shivering...and i'm already starving..he hasn't texted me since last night..but its ok..i know he doesn't have any prepaid load yet..maybe tonight i'll load up...i really miss him... i hope he can really come home this weekend (his weekend pala..)..lunch is still 10 minutes away..i have to get out of this station..i'm really freezing...i didn't think it could be this cold here, i mean i'm already used to the temperature..only this time the air condition unit is aimed at my back..huhu... brrrrr!!! realy cold...

10:55 (pc time)..think..think...think...how will i start an article about a Nissan Sentra control arm?...hmmmm.. O.M.G.!!! my brain's already frozen...hehehe..nah! just kidding...i just can't seem to think right now...i'm shivering...my head hurts..my fingers are numb and are starting to get stiff..5 more minutes...

"ulap ay sadyang kay dilim..tila yata may bagyong parating..bakit ka lumuluha? bakit nagtataka? kala mo ba ika'y iniwan na..hindi pasan kita di mo b nakikita di kana sa akin ay luluha pa...di ko naman hangad ang ano mang bagay sa mundo..ang tanging hiling ko lang ay yakapin mo.." - callalily (pasan) this was one of the sons that he sang to me (actually he just texted me the lyrics..)..he sent me these words when i was so problematic..to the point that i was ready to give up on everything...he was already in manila during those times...but now i'm ok...i'm still fighting...although he's far from me i know he's holding my hand..keeping me strong...always..

..such a mess..

..it all started last tuesday..i wrote on my YM stat "i'm such a mess"..that stat kind of got stuck..until now i keep feeling that i'm a mess...i can help but feel that i'm a big failure..the stat stuck on me like a chewing gum stuck on a shoe..i hope i can still get rid of it..i don't to be this big of a mess forever..i have to fix myself..i'm trying to fix myself, but unfortunately the more i try the bigger mess i become..

..once again life is giving me a hard time...i just wish i'm strong enough to face the things, problems and issues that are being thrown at me..have i mentioned that they are being thrown at me all at the same time...yes, all of them..shit! i'm not that strong... if you happen to see me smiling right now, it does not mean that i'm ok...i'm just trying to be ok...

..school stuff. i hate it...i know i didn't give my schooling enough attention when i needed to, but why now?..i have a lot more issues to resolve now..i'm afraid that i won't be able to graduate because of 1 subject..one stupid subject..i've made up my mind about leaving, but i can't leave til i graduate..

..family matters.i can't run away from it..my family's fine..but the extension's not...my sister's having trouble with one of our titas..my sister said that things are just "magulo" there..but i can't help but blame myself..i think what's happening to my sister and tita has something to do with the decision i made last november..i did n't think that decision could ever have an effect with how my tita treats my sister..my sister has nothing to do with my decision...besides the two of them are not even involved in issues i have with my other tita...

..work.it's fine..but lately i've been failing some tasks..and i can't seem to think straight..i can't focus on my work..all my problems are taking a very big part of my attention..i want to focus on my work..with my tasks..but my head is always somewhere else and i hate it..for days i've been trying to fight the tears..shamefully my eyes always start to be filled with tear whenever i'm at work...but thankfully i have not cried in my station since i got here.. (i cried in my previous station,but it was a different case.)

..love.so far this is the only thing that keeps me intact..i know i'm falling apart but he still keeps me together..the only thing bout my love life is that he's too far from me right now...and i need him to be close when i'm this low..but there's nothing i can do about it..i gotta be strong, on my own..i gotta learn to be strong..he would always utter those words whenever i start crying...i am strong..but not right now..

....running away from everything is the best choice i have so far..i can't face all of this on my own...but i'll find the right time to runaway..its not now..not yet today..not this month..i'll wait for the right time..i just hope it comes before i start to give up on everything :(

..daydreaming..still missing him.. ='(

..funny how he manage to enter my mind even at the most unexpected time..i'm at work..i'm supposed to be writing an article about car parts but obviously i'm not.. i keep seeing him surprising me again..picking me up from work....these images makes me miss him a lot more than i already do.. i'm so pre-occupied with thoughts of him..i won't be able to finish work if this goes on for the next hour...i gotta snap out of this... bad as my day has been so far, thoughts of him still keeps me calm and sane... i miss my honey...can't wait to see you again...i don't when, but i'll wait...i promise...

..i wish he was here..i know he can't take away the pain that i'm feeling now but i know i'll feel a bit better if i get to hold his hand..that's how we used to be when he was still here..i just hold his hand whenever i'm in pain..i wish he was here now..to hold me..to hug me tight and never leave my side..

..he was supposed to come home last sunday..i was supposed to be with him the last monday..the whole day..but he was not able to come home..i didn't get to be with him..part of me is blaming a person (if it weren't for that person he would have been here)..but still part of me understands that his not being able to come home is a blessing in disguise..if he went home he'll probably end up having money problems again before the payday..atleast now i know he's there working, with enough budget to last til the next payday..i don't know if he'll be here after the next payday, but i hope he comes home..even for just a day..i just wanna see him again..

..a big mess...

..i'm such a mess today..i forgot my locker keys..i'm not feeling well..i wana sleep the whole day..i don't want to be near anyone at the moment..but there's nothing i can do..i have to work..i have to go to school..i think no matter how much i try to fix this day..it won't be fixed.....i wish this day would just end as fast and as painless as possible... the only good thing that's happened today is that he woke up early just to wake me up..isn't that sweet..

..i want to go home... i wana sleep the whole day..

..i know this day will not be a good one...i just hope that i'm wrong about this day...

..dati

Mga pagkukulang sana'y hayaang mabawi
Ika'y di na nais pang muling saktan
Di ko maisip kung maaari mo pang
pagbigyan ang
pag-ibig ko na dati'y ay walang hanggan

Ako ma'y nanghihinayang ngunit
nagsawa sa mga pagkukulang
Paulit-ulit ka nalang lagi ng napapagod
Huwag nang dagdagan ang mga pangako
Sana'y maintindihan

Tuluyan ng nagbabago
Sana maunawaan mo
Kahit may pag-ibig pa
Di na nais makasama ka hindi mababago
Maghihintay lamang sa'yo
Pag-ibig laan lamang sa iyo
Pag-ibig ay di dapat ganito

Di maamin kung kakayaning di na
kailangan ang pag-ibig na sa iyo'y
nagbabalik

Tuluyan na nga kayang baguhin na ang
pagtingin sa
pag-ibig na dati ay walang hanggan

Tuluyan ng nagbabago
Sana maunawaan mo
Kahit may pag-ibig pa
Di na nais makasama ka hindi mababago
Maghihintay lamang sa'yo
Pag-ibig laan lamang sa iyo
Pag-ibig ay di dapat ganito

..it's a really sad song...i wish i won't get to sing this song..i love the melody but the words are so sad..it's about giving up, getting tired of loving someone who takes you for granted...i'm almost about to sing this song...but almost doesn't count, right?...

..adjusted

..i'm glad that i've finally adjusted...time was speeding away from me and yet now i'm riding time...i'm getting used to this kind of life already..it's not too fast paced for me anymore...now i have time left to write blogs, to check my friendster, to chat, and other stuff..one thing i love about this job is that i get to write..and that i'm appreciated for the work that i've done..leo's proud of me..i wanna be proud of myself too, but i know i have not done much to be proud of..for now, i'll just continue to do my work..and try to do it as well and as happy as i could...if my brain gets tired, its ok...i'll just take a breath and i know i'll be ok.. i'm listening to a song titled "away bati"..it's a cute song..it reminds me of how we were before he left..our day is not complete without any fights or "tampohan"...but no matter how much we fight with each other back then we didn't end up breking up with each other...we fought, we made up...we're still together...he gave me a lot of headaches..i gave him his share of pain..but still we couldn't leave each other..when he left for manila i thought it was the end of it..i thought he anly gave me time to gather the strength i needed to break up with him..but when the time came that i was ready to break up with him he came home..and he said that he loved me so much..promises of forever were again spoken..now i'm holding on to those promises...well. we're trying to keep those promises...step by step..one by one our promises and dreams are coming true... like what we always said to each other "hold on tight..no matter what..don't let go..".. i'm gonna be by your side..no matter what..

..i miss him

..i miss him...so much.. at times when i'm scared i want him to be by my side..but i know he can't be..he's too far away from me..i understand our situations, i honestly do..it's just that there are times when i need him badly to just hold my hand..he's the only person who keeps me strong right now..when everything's going wrong..when there seems to be no hope for me..he keeps my hopes high..not to high though..just high enough to keep me believing that i'll make it..
..the other night i was home alone..it was raining hard outside...then there was thunder and lightning..that moment i wanted to run to him and hold him..he knows that i'm scared of thunder..i know he'd hold me tight if he was with me..but he wasn't..i was alone.. all alone and scared..i miss him..so bad..it was our anniversary yesterday (011408)..2nd year anniversary..there was nothing we could do but talk on the phone for a few minutes..then go on with our usual life..a life away from each other...

this is our pics before he left for manila last november..

..missing him..not being with him was probably harder because he left during the times that i badly needed someone on my side...

But now i'm doing ok,i guess... i'm holding to the hope that in less than three months i'll be with him..i'm holding on the love that he's showing me...i know he loves me..a lot...i love him too...

..for now i gotta be strong..so strong... i won't be able to reach him if i am weak... gotta be strong and alone..everyday for the next three months..

..that's life

..yesterday i had a chance to hang out with one of my friends..we talked about life, about the issues concerning her..unfortunately i said some things..i thought she knew those things..the sad thing is that she had to hear it from me..its true that there are always to sides in a story..she could only see one side..but after our talk yesterday, she saw both sides..and she didn't know what to believe..the person she love the most lied to her...one of our friends is involved..how do we fix it? i honestly don't know...yesterday's talk made things even worst i know...my friend is crying..she's hurt,so hurt...the other one? i don't know how she's doing..i haven't had the chance to talk to her about the issue....i know people make mistakes..a lot of people lie..but how could you lie and cheat a person you once loved a lot?..i admit i have lied to my hubby,once or twice or maybe more..but i never cheated on him..never.. it makes me wonder, my friend has been honest to her partner, she has loved that person so much..yeah, she's young..but what did she do to deserve that...

..wrongfully accused...

..i thought since i loved writing my work will be a piece of cake...but i was wrong..it's way way harder than i thought..now i have 2 backlogs every day..i don't wanna be irresponsible..i wanna finish my task everyday..but i'm finding it hard.. i'm not irresponsible..it's just things keep popping up from every where..isuues, deadlines and a lot of articles...i don't know how long i could keep up with a fast paced schedule..right now i gotta leave for school..i got class..and mind ya'll i hate my prof..he just does not understand the real meaning of essay....by for now..take care y'all...

..got work

..time is moving faster now..indeed i wanted it to move fast..but not too fast..i'm having trouble keeping up..it's almost halfway through January..only a little over two months from now i'll start to live my life alone...technically not alone..but my mom won't be by my side..she won't be there to remind me of the things i have to remember..she won't be there to discipline me..she won't be there to take care of me..i know this is what i wanted - to be able to live my life in my own terms..but i also know that the moment i live our house it's gonna be the start of a harder and more stressful situation...
i'm starting to miss a lot of people..i wish he was here right now..i haven't tried to contact him today, actually i did (hehehe).. but i know he won't be online the who'll day so more or less he won't be able to check the messages that i left..i'm not planning to call nor to text him today..i don't know why..maybe i'm just not in the mood..i'm kind of getting tired of running after him..this time i'm just gonna sit back and wait til he notice that i'm not by his side anymore....
i miss my friends..i haven't seen them since monday..i did not have a chance to talk to them..if my schedule will go on like this i'm surely gonna miss them a lot...but i'll get by...there are a lot of things that i have to take care of...