..web of lies

..lies has always been a big part of life...the word life could form the word lie, right?....it is something avoidable, but still some choose to utter lies than tell the truth....did you know that a single lie could complicate even the simplest issues....yes, it can...and a single lie could form a whole entangled web...and once you're caught in that web...it's hard to get out...it's hard to free yourself from the lies that you have tied around your own being....

"..the most hurtful kind of lies are the ones delivered by the people you care about the most...it makes you doubt everything you know..and makes you wonder why care so much..and worst of it all, it puts you in a position where you have to decide whether to tel them you know they're lying, like you're too dull to even know the difference...keep this in mind the next time you lie to someone who cares about you more often than not...they know it...and it hurts a lot..."

-grey's anatomy

..next time you think about lying to someone..think twice before doing so...loving someone who has lied to you a lot of times is very painful...and sometimes it gets exhausting too...if you don't want to loose that person..don't lie...they'll understand and appreciate the truth a lot more rather than sweet lies....a person in love often knows when the person they love is lying......they sometimes just choose to be silent about it.... :(

..be strong!

.."be strong lagi dito ha mahal koh..."..this is what he told me yesterday while i was comfortably wrapped with his arms, crying like a baby...

tears won't stop flowing right now...no matter how i try to fight them...they just won't stop falling...i gotta be strong...i gotta be strong...i can't cry!!! i shouldn't cry!!!

..he's off to manila again...my comfort zone is leaving again... (yup...he's my comfort zone...he's the only person who knows me totally..he's one of the few persons who knows what to do or say when i'm crying..)

..like the rain outside, my tears are still falling...maybe i'll take a walk in the rain later....just maybe....maybe the rain will wash away all the pain that i'm feeling right now...maybe the rain will wash away all the emptiness that i'm feeling...

..goodbye for now...

..yesterday(feb 18,08) i took a trip to a place i used to visit every weekend....it's been more than three months since i last visited that place...a lot of things have changed..but still some things, places and views remained the same...padang still showed memories of reming's wrath....but weeds are already starting to grow on some areas...the trip didn't take exactly an hour...it was more like a 45 minutes ride from legazpi...i was looking out the window the whole trip..usually i was asleep the whole 45 minutes of the trip..but this time i wasn't...i was busy watching the view outside....then a familiar comfortable feeling set in...i knew i was only minutes a way from one of my "comfort zones"....i was only minutes away from seeing him...i admit, i'm still quite stressed out, but the trip made me relax...by the time that i got there, signs of stress or anything negative didn't show (except for the very blooming pimple conveniently located on my chin..)...the trip lasted for 45 minutes, but for me it only lasted for 5 minutes or so....i stayed with him the whole day yesterday...but for me it lasted for less than an hour....we tried to make the most of the time that we had...but still it wasn't enough....but there's nothing we could do...before i went home tears started to flow...the assurance that i used to have is now weaker than ever..but still he tried to reassure me that everything will be ok...i hugged him...i hugged him so tight..tight enough to make it last til the next time i'll get to hug him again.....i hugged him as if letting him go would rip my heart out...as if letting go means breathing for the last time...i wanted that day to last forever..but then again it can't.....so for the last time that day i said that i love him so much...then we headed to the terminal where my ride away from him is waiting.....i kissed him one last time before i entered the van...then waved goodbye.....goodbye for now....seeing him walk away from the van that i was in was quite painful...it was just like the first time he left......on my ride home my eyes were still busy watching the view outside...it was raining...the trip lasted for 45 minutes..but i felt like a year...it was raining hard last night...i kept watching the rain fall on the window of the van...the rain won't stop...just like my tears..they won't stop falling....i felt my heart being ripped away from my chest as i travel....the sights, the places that i see going to that place and going home are the same...but they don't give the same feeling...i'm happy whenever i'm headed to that place...but the view going home hurts me in a way....i was leaving my comfort zone again...i knew that the moment i stepped out of the van i have to be the tougher melai...."be strong lagi dito ha.." that's what he told me yesterday.....he knows how weak i am..he also knows how strong i can be....i am strong..he just triggers my weak side, every time...the moment came...i got off the van...i felt all the colors from that day drain away from me....then i went home as if it was just an ordinary day...

today he's off to manila again....i asked him to text me when he's at the terminal, when he's on the bus...i asked him to text me where he is...i didn't know that it would be such a torture...as i write this blog tears won't stop flowing...my nose is all red from crying...and so are my eyes...

as promised i'll be a little less hard on my self..i'll try to be happy now...i know he won't be by my side anytime soon..but i'm willing to wait...whatever it is that's running through my head right now...whatever doubt i have, i'll just keep my mouth shut about it...he's one person i don't want to loose..not anytime soon...he's one person i never wanna loose...

..HONEY I LOVE YOU

..doubt

Doubt is a status between belief and disbelief. It is uncertainty or distrust of a fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. It brings into question some notion of reality, and may involve delaying relevant action out of concern that one might be mistaken or at fault.

The term "to doubt" can also mean "to question one's circumstances and life experience".

..doubt is one thing that can ruin almost everything...but it is a state of mind that is inevitable..some say that you'll only smell something fishy if you keep sticking you nose in it..same with doubt, you'll only doubt a certain situation, words, actions, or person if you keep thinking of reasons to doubt them...but what if it's the other way around?...what if you keep trying to find ways and facts to make yourself believe that person or situation but you just can't seem to find anything?.. what if all the reasons for you to doubt that person is laid out in front of you but you refuse to look at it...you refuse to see the facts..you refuse to believe the truth...what if accepting the existence of the facts means totally loosing whatever trust you have for that person?.. what if seeing the truth means loosing the other person completely?..any relationship can not exist without trust...trust doesn't mean that you'll never doubt the person..trust means you are hoping that the person will not fool you in any way..will not lie to you under any circumstance...in short, trusting someone means believing that the other person will be completely honest to you..no lies..just truth...i want a relationship built not on lies..i want honesty...i've been fooled and lied to a lot of times..i think i've had my fair share of lies...

facts are laid in front of you..everything, every detail tells you that what's running inside your head for the past few days is true..what will you do?.. will you believe the facts?.. or will you choose to believe the person who keeps denying the facts?..the person who told you that he wants to be with you..the person who keeps telling you that he wants to spend his life with you...
what will you believe? the facts or his words backed up with his actions?....

i wish he was here to explain everything...i wish arrives before i.............. :(

"..melai quit connecting the facts, will you?...you'll only hurt yourself..you think too much...... stop thinking too much..you'll only hurt yourself...........forget everything....just let it pass......everything will be ok....." - this is what i've been telling myself for the past few days...........but it seems i'm too stubborn to listen even to myself... :'(

..babies

..while doing some surfing on the net i stumbled upon pictures of someone i know..i saw her pictures with her babies..it looked so cute..she looked really happy..it would be so nice to have kids of my own..the pictures made me wonder if i'll also be that happy with my "future" babies.. (parang ang dami yta nun ha..BABIES..hehe)..the truth is i want to have babies..maybe two or three of them..but not in the very near future..hehehe..i'm not yet ready..maybe a year or more from now i will be ready..for now i guess i'll settle looking at pictures of my friends and acquaintances with their little chanax....

..someday i'll have a family of my own..kids of my own..by then i hope i'm ready..i know i'll be ready... i hope i'll be a good mother to my future babies..and a good wife to my future hubby (take note..ndi HUBBIES...hehe.. faithful ako!!) hahaha..

..for now i gotta go back to work..i gotta work hard.. it's for my own good..hehe.. (hindi nko mxado mgppasaway promise!!...)..

..by the way he's coming home on the 18th..if, indeed, he's here on the 18th i promise i'll be a little less hard on myself.. :) i know i'll be happier.. stronger.. better?..i hope so.. :)

..my first time (hehe)

..i've been tagged by ate yen...this is the first time so i guess i'll try this one...hehe

1. Name 1 thing you do everyday: i sing...even if i'm out of tune or i don't know the lyrics..i just sing (some call it tula or ngmumura daw ako..hehehe)
   

2. Name 2 things you wish you could learn: ice skating and play drums!!! yeah!!!

3. Name 3 things that remind you of your childhood: (1) plastic chairs.i accidentally fell off from one of those and hit my head..and although it wasn't that tall i couldn't stop crying...what?! i was a kid..a kid with a big bukol..i fell hard..ouch!!! (2)paper dolls ( -i loved paperdolls..i used to buy one every day..and at the end of the day i'd see my paper doll swimming in the plangana..it drowned..i forgot that i didn't know how to swim..hehehe... (3) lunch box -Papa always prepares our snack..he often makes sandwich with ham, cheese, mayo and sometimes mustard...he likes to make those kinds of sandwich..i wonder why i never grew fat when he was still there to cook for us..hehehe..

4. Name 4 things you love to eat but rarely do: fries..i don't have the time nor the money to visit my old friend jobee, instant canton..i can't find the time to cook..whenever i have the time i'm too lazy to cook..no one's gonna cook it for me...so i'll settle not eating canton at all... sisig (ninongs!).. still i don't have the time to go there..and i'm not allowed to go there any more...pizza!..don't have the money and time...(see time lagi kontra sakin! hmpf!!!)

5. Name 5 things that make you feel good: (1)text messages from my significant (hmmm) other....wahehehehe... (2) keeping myself busy... (3)junkfoods (loads of junkfoods...)...(4)soundtrip.. (5) the so called "power nap"!!! yeah!!!

..so who am i gonna tag?...i think i'll go for
halley, kuya owen, ruth,
ate nice, jam,ate ailene.. :)

take care you guyzzz.....

..lss (last song syndrome)

The lights are now on us
The stage surrounds us
But it’s you
It’s you i remember

This maybe our best gig
The most well attended
But it’s you
That i wanna be with

Cos whenever you’re not here
There’s this void i feel within
It’s you i crave
And need

[Chorus]
Cos i’m here, and you’re there
It’s too much for me to bear
So hold on, soon i’ll be home

The times ???
Gets too familiar
What i want
Is to be with you

Cos the last song syndrome here
Is your voice i hear so clear
You said you’ll wait
For me

[repeat Chorus]

I miss the way you touch my face
I miss the way to say my name
I miss you, oh baby
I wish you’re here with me

Cos i’m here, and you’re there
It’s too much for me to bear
So hold on

[repeat Chorus]

Soon i’ll be home

..this is a song of the band stonefree...i've been singing it for quite some time now..but i never really knew the words...but now i know the words...the whole song..the song makes me sad..so sad..but at the same time it gives me some kind of hope... soon i'll be home...i'll be home....HOLD ON!!!!

..moving on, but not letting go

..last monday he was supposed to be here..but he wasn't because of some financial issues..on the 12th he's going to puerto galera for their team building, that's why he still can't be here...of course, on valentines day he won't be here bcoz of work..and even if he was here i have work..i can't be with him..so he promised that he'd be here on the 18th...but then again that trip to puerto galera is postponed..it is deemed to be moved on the 18th... what the !@#$!!!!! (yaku mgmura ng bulgar sa blog..sori ha..hehehe)...whatever plans we've made is once again doomed to be changed.. haven't i learned? you might ask..sad to say, i haven't...i'm still not used to the feeling of getting too excited about him coming home and then suddenly just plainly and disturbingly disappointed...life can be so frustrating sometimes..but there's nothing i can do...weeping is the only option i have right now...actually it's not an option..it's an involuntary reaction of the eye (my eyes) whenever i feel disappointed..i'm really disappointed at the moment...tears are starting to fill my eyes..but i don't want to cry..

..have you ever missed someone so much to the point that their voice could actually make you weep?...to the point that you wanna call that person to hear his voice but you know you'll only end up crying..so you'll just settle not to hear his voice..(sorry if your starting to hate me bcoz i'm so open about my emotions sa blog ha..hirap lang kc kimkimin lhat...) i don't know if he reads my blogs...he's seen some of them, but not all..but i do hope he reads this one...i want him to know how bad i'm feeling right now..but i don't want to tell him directly..i want him to come home..even for just awhile...even if i'll only be with him for a few hours...i just wana see him again...i miss him so much, it hurts a lot..last monday i stared at his picture, it made me cry...i can barely remember his smile..i can't remember how it feels to hold his hand..haAy.. :'( even for just a few hours...let me be with him...please... :'(

..team nice

..saturday, feb. 02, 08..for the first time i got the chance to hang out with team nice...we played badminton..i never thought i could have that much fun (no offense guys ha..hehehe...i wasn't in the mood to be makulit that day e..hehehe)...but i did...i enjoyed every moment that i spent with them...thanks guys...

..kuya owen was beaten by halley.. ate nays thought ruth how to play badminton...ruth can now play badminton...i learned a couple of things about them..i didn't think i'd be comfortable with them at once..but i did become comfy..i learned that kuya owen is not as serious as i always thought he was..halley is somewhat childlike, makulet..ruth nutritionist? hehehe..she's pretty much concerned with her well-being (go girl!).. ate nays..lives up to her name...hehe..she's really nice...i think i'm gonna enjoy being here..i'm gonna enjoy being part of team nice..

..after that afternoon (evening) jam with them i went home with a lot of muscle pain and a smile on my face..i had a great time..i have met a lot of people here in MBS...and i'm glad i met all of them.. :) (see! my whole world doesn't revolve around 1 person!..hehehe..)

..thanks guys..thanks a lot.... :)

..ice skating

"When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness. Will they make noble choices or will that person be someone untested? Someone new? Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. When it does - is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone who'll watch over you when you stumble and fall, and in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone.."

..these words were taken from one of my favorite tv series - one tree hill... these lines made me think..is there someone watching over me? will he wait till i stumble or will he catch my fall?..i've had my share disappointments and failures in my life..stumble? i stumbled a lot in the past...but the thing is life is just like ice skating -when you really don't know how to ice skate...when you fall you try to get up..the more you try to get up the more you'll fall, and sometimes you'll fall harder..when you've already managed to stand up and you think you can manage to take one step or one glide..you'll fall..a lot harder than your previous fall..a lot more painful..at one point you'll get tired and think that it is better to sit on the ice and just let the cold temperature eat you up...but isn't it better to keep trying to stand up and skate?...coz after several hard and painful falls you'll learn how to stand up on ice with skates on your feet..sooner or later you'll learn how to walk on ice..you'll learn to glide..all you need is courage to stand up and take that first step..sooner or later the bruises and wounds you got from falling too hard will no longer be visible..they will all be nothing but marks or memories of the times you fell....picture yourself in a rink (ice skating rink)..you are standing alone at the center..who do you see standing next to you? who will take your hand and help you make that first step? who will help you stand up when you start to fall again...will that person wait for you to fall or will he catch your fall so you won't hit the ground..when you are in a rink the only thing the other person can do for you is hold your hand tight..he can't catch your fall..he can guide you but he cannot make the steps for you...

..When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with?..i'd face it with him..but i won't hide behind his back..i won't hide..i won't be afraid..he need not protect me...i have to face life..all he can do is hold my hand and lead me to the light..he can't face life for me..this life is mine to face and to conquer..

..if life comes rushing at me i'll be ready..
..i'll face it...