a lot of things

i've got a lot of thing to write about...a lot of feelings to share..but ther's too many of them i don't know where to start...all i know is that i'm sad and i'm getting tired...someone help me pls.....

love

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changes

..for the past few months i've faced a lot of minor and major changes...honestly i'm quite confused as to where i stand and who i really wanna be...do i remain as the simple, not-a-care-in-the-world melai that i was in highschool, or do i wanna be the somehow-active me in college..or the kikay melai during Channel days..or will i be th e melai in USAP that hangs around and just enjoys everything and everyone around her...or will i be leo's girl, simple, sweet, caring and honest (and thin..hehehe..kelangan ksma yan)

i'm trying to revive the melai that started this blog...the person who likes to wear eyeliner, who knows how to wear and walk in heels...i wish i could get her back...i left her about two years ago when i decided to move out...i like her better than who i am now...the person others see in me now has somehow forgotten how to take care of herself..

but what if getting that old me back also means loosing leo and everything else i have now...is it worth the risk?

i love you

..you know i love you, it's just that right now it scares me to love you too much..don't get me wrong..i just don't want to get hurt again...when i started hanging out with my friends a bit more i found the peace of mind that i needed...and the way your acting right now helps me as well..it assures me how much you love me..but it also makes me fall even harder for you, and that's one thing that i'm trying to avoid...

..i love you hon and that's what matters right now...i don't wanna fall even more inlove...i want what we have now to remain the same until we grow old...

..hope you get to read this...

..one line

..for more than a week now all my plans have been placed on hold...i don't know what's about to come and don't know what's gonna happen in the next months...

today i asked for a sign..and i waited 5 min for that sign..it was the longest 5 min i've had..then there it was...one line..one red line..which means that everything should go on as it should..nothing should change..

now i have to wait 5 days to try to ask for a sign again...haaaist...

this is not at all easy...

..somehow i also wanted thngs to change...i'm ready for changes...i'm ready for responsibility..but maybe the "responsibility" isn't ready for me yet...

..it's all mixed emotions that i feel now...i'm happy coz i get to stay out late again..drink every weekends and i don't have to worry about not being able to go out with my friends...but i'm sad coz in the last couple of days i felt that i'm ready..and the anticipation is killiing me...

..don't really now what to do or what to feel...