i love you

..you know i love you, it's just that right now it scares me to love you too much..don't get me wrong..i just don't want to get hurt again...when i started hanging out with my friends a bit more i found the peace of mind that i needed...and the way your acting right now helps me as well..it assures me how much you love me..but it also makes me fall even harder for you, and that's one thing that i'm trying to avoid...

..i love you hon and that's what matters right now...i don't wanna fall even more inlove...i want what we have now to remain the same until we grow old...

..hope you get to read this...

..one line

..for more than a week now all my plans have been placed on hold...i don't know what's about to come and don't know what's gonna happen in the next months...

today i asked for a sign..and i waited 5 min for that sign..it was the longest 5 min i've had..then there it was...one line..one red line..which means that everything should go on as it should..nothing should change..

now i have to wait 5 days to try to ask for a sign again...haaaist...

this is not at all easy...

..somehow i also wanted thngs to change...i'm ready for changes...i'm ready for responsibility..but maybe the "responsibility" isn't ready for me yet...

..it's all mixed emotions that i feel now...i'm happy coz i get to stay out late again..drink every weekends and i don't have to worry about not being able to go out with my friends...but i'm sad coz in the last couple of days i felt that i'm ready..and the anticipation is killiing me...

..don't really now what to do or what to feel...

..tita myrna's with the angels now

..i know it's a bit late now for me to be posting this, but this is the only time that i know i'm ready to share this to others without crying....

last january 19, of this year my hubby's mom joined our creator. yes, tita myrna is gone...i know it was harder for leo than it is for me...but i saw his pain..i had to be strong for him...i couldn't show him how weak i am...

january 18 we went to quiapo church to light a candle for tita's health and also to attend mass..later that day we went to my boss' house..it was his baby's 1st birthday..we thought everything was ok with tita since we haven't recieved any txt messages from her or kuya nel that day...but leo and i both thought it seems us that neither of them txted us that day..but we still went on with our usual jamming with other friends..good thing i was on leave that night..coz the call that leo got early the next morning devastated him. around 5 am leo woke up...he went to the cr and he brought his phone with him...that rest room rests in a spot where there was no signal..there was no way a phone call or a text message could go thru...but a phone call did...leo's uncle called him...unfortunately the cgnal was too low the line was breaking up so he just ended the call..his uncle called again..this time the line was clear...leo heard the news loud and clear...when he went back to our room i thought he was just fooling around coz i couldn't see his face..it was only then when i felt his body shaking that i realized that he was crying...tears flowed even before i could ask him what happened...somehow i felt his pain and knew what happened even before he spoke a single word...but still i asked him...when i did he slowly curled..sat down hugged a pillow ever so tightly and uttered the five words that tore him in everyway... "ala n si mama koh"...that's exactly how he said it...when he said those words i hugged him as tight as i could thinking that it would make him feel that i was there for him and also to try to hide the pain that i was feeling at that time...i couldn't show him my tears...my weakness...i had to be the strongest person that he could lean on...coz if i show him how i felt he would be in so much more pain than he already was...

..later that morning i told him that we had to pack our things so that we could take the earliest trip home to bicol..."no, matutulog muna aq. pag gising ko ok n ulit.buhay pa si mama.paniganip lang to hon dba..."...those words made me realize that it will take time before he accepts the fact that tita's gone...i held him until he fell asleep...i called my boss up and informed him of what had happened..i appreciate his concern..he immediately filed a bereavement leave for me even if it wasn't a close relative that died..he extended his condolences to leo...and he texted me almost everyday to see how i'm doing and to know how leo's holding up...

as soon as leo woke up we ate breakfast and prepared to leave for bicol...at around 12 noon we already had a bus ticket and were on our way home...we didn't know what to expect when we get there..i don't know how he would respond..and i know how to console kuya and him...i also didn't know how to console myself...the whole 12 hour trip went by so fast we didn't even notice it..i just saw us standin' on the street staring at a familiar gate...their gate...we went in as if he didn't live there....i walked as if it was my first time to be in that place...

it wasn't my first time visiting their house...i've been there so many times...and a lot of those moments i was there with him and his mom..i've talked to her a lot of times, saw her smile, watch her as she laugh at her son's crazy ways...i have also seen her upset, disappointed, and in soo much pain...i've visited her in the hospital once or twice and stayed there with her for a couple of hours while waiting for leo to arrive...i've looked at her eyes many times....so many times that it was enough to see that she was just holding on for her baby - my Leo...

kuya nel held him as tears flowed...he said "wra n c mama boi"..leo showed kuya that he was strong...he didn't cry..not a single tear fell....yes, he's a masked man, but not to me...coz no matter how hard he tried he couldn't hide his tears from me...and he doesn't try to hide his pain from me anymore...i saw it in his eyes that he was in so much pain knowing that his mom's gone and feeling how devastated his brother was...

despite our long travel..we stayed up until morning...i went home to my own family..went to the mall with my mom...to my surprise before i left for the terminal my mom gave my bags of groceries to bring to tita's wake....i was there everynight during tita's wake...i was also there in the funeral...almost everything i saw during those days broke my heart...but i saw those people that held leo and tita special in there hearts...they were there extending there condolences and shedding tears...and sharing their memories of tita myrna....

i know tita is with the angels now..and i know she's happy wherever she is...and if i could hug and talk to her i would hold her tight and say thank you for everything that she has thought me...and evrything he has thought leo.....and i would tell her that i'm gonna take care of his son until he wants me to do so...

..yummy fruits....

...if you were to choose between an apple and an orange which would you choose?...let's say you chose the orange..yeah, it was sweet but not as sweet as you wanted it to be.....say you were given another chance.....you were given a chance to choose between an apple and an orange, again?....which would you choose? would you stay with the orange or will you choose to taste the apple? .....or in my case who would you choose?

- = history = -

..do believe that history repeats itself?....

what if something that happened to you in the past is happening again with almost the same exact details?...what are you gonna do? will you make the same decision or would you learn from the decision that you've made from the past and choose the other way?or will you choose to stay in the same path that you are now?

do you think that fate is just testing you or is it giving you another chance to see the other side?

are these events happening because of fate...or are they happening because of the decisions that you've made....

personally i think that everything happens for a reason....reasons that we do not know or comprehend....but i also believe that we inflicted all the things that are happening to us...

..trying to be strong...

..pain is one word that has been common to me for such a long time...i thought nothing could hurt me more that my past...but i guess i was wrong...

..i'm in soo much pain right now, i don't know how to deal with it...but i'm trying to..i've been successful in holding back my tears for atleast 4 or 5 days now..but it's only making me feel heavier inside...

..i can't stand being alone...i'm ok in front of others...i'm ok infront of him...but when i'm alone, i instantly look for someone to talk to, coz i know tears will start to fill my eyes again...

..but guess what,i'm alone right now..thank god for compiters and internet, atleast i have something to do...

..i miss him so much...sooooo much....

..but i guess i can never be anymore...so i'll bid farewell to a dream...i'll say goodbye to the love i've been holding on for so long...and i'll try to live life on my own..without him...

..but i'm still hoping he can keep his promise...

i can't take this pain!!!!

..singing my last love song for leo

last love song

am i trying to hard
to keep this love alive
you don't seem to care
about this love that we have
i called you last night
but you were not there
i didn't hear from you
at all today

i can't play this game
i'm just wasting my time
you leave me with no other choice
but to say goodbye
i want to work things out
but what's the point of it if
i have to be in love alone
it's not worth it anymore

it's hard for me to say goodbye
but tears are falling down my eyes
i'm sorry, i'm sorry but we tried

i thought we shared a life that's full of love
but now i realize we shared an empty home
i will cry my last cry before i say bye bye
i will sing my last love song for you tonight

i can't play this game
i'm just wasting my time
you leave me with no other choice
but to say goodbye
i want to work things out
but what's the point of it if
i have to be in love alone
it's not worth it anymore

it's hard for me to say goodbye
but tears are falling down my eyes
i'm sorry, i'm sorry but we tried

i can't play this game
i'm just wasting my time
you leave me with no other choice
but to say goodbye
i want to work things out
but what's the point of it if
i have to be in love alone
it's not worth it anymore


---i just lost one of the most important persons in my life...i lost a bestfriend and my lover...wish it didn't have to hurt this much but it does...i don't know how to go on with days not having him by my side...from now on i gotta learn to live life alone...hon if you're reading this you said earlier "no goodbyes hon"...i hope i'm reading it right...i don't want to be misled...i don't want to get hurt again...i'm gonna miss you hon...although we said we'd still keep in touch,i'm sorry but i can't do that...it will only be a lot more painfull for me if i keep in touch for the coming weeks...i need to heal first...so goodbye for now...don't forget that i love you,i always willl

..torn

..life is in deed full of pain and grief.....just when you think everything's ok it just hits you with something that you never saw coming...

it's true that laughter is usually followed by tears...i was laughing so hard that day....

i never thought that my laughter would cause someone else's pain...

the worst part is the karma turned to someone i care for....

the laughter that i was giving out caused my husband too much pain....

why?.... how?.....

with just one text message....and a phone call from his brother....

i won't elaborate more on this...but just a clue

to leave you hanging...that text message sent me running home from work

an hour before my scheduled off....

...and that phonecall sent tears running down my husbands cheeks...

and the thing is he never cries...not unless it's because of me or his mom....

..up until now i'm trying to figure out what to do....

i don't know which is the best thing to do...

should i help him find a way to fix things....

or should i help him accept the painful truth of what's about to happen...

..to fix things means i will help him find a way to ease his pain...

but it also means that i will help him be selfish and not think of other's pain...

..to help accept the truth also means that i have to see him get hurt...

..it means that i may have to hurt him with the things that i have to say,.,

...If you were in my place what would you do?....

..freedom

...freedom as explained in wikipedia is or the idea of being free, is a broad concept that has been given numerous interpretations by philosophies and schools of thought.
---can i ask what is freedom to you?
...if you have all the freedom that you ever wanted do you think you'll be ultimately happy? will you use it wisely? will it do you good?....
...think about it....many people have all the freedom that they wanted....but they are not happy....why? coz they have over used their freedom...and it did not do them any good......
...just like this person i know...she's now as free as she ever wanted...you may see her now as a healthy young woman, compared to her figure before...but there's a catch...behind that healthy body that you are showing is a very unhealthy habit that she has....she may look more "malaman" now..but she's only growing bigger because of alcohol....and it's one thing that she's can't take out of her system anymore....
...think she can still fight her way away from alcoholism??....i hope she can....

..something stupid..

..i did something stupid..one thing that i never imagined myself doing...but it was worth it...i will not give you the exact detail of what i did...but one thing i'll tell you it was really worth it...there were a lot of things going on with our relationship..i thought it would really come to an end this time..i was ready to give up..actually i had already given up...i was leaving...but something held me back...what was it?? his hands...his hands shaking with fear of loosing me...his voice trembling..scared that i had already gone away from him...and him kissing my forehead and saying sorry...a sincere sorry... something that i don't usually hear from him...
..goodbye was the hardest thing for me to say...i already uttered those words to him a couple of times...but this time when i said it i really meant it...i gave up...i said goodbye...i told myself that it would be the last time that i'd say that painful word to him...but i guess that's one promise that's hard to keep...or maybe i could still keep that promise...THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'LL SAY GOODBYE TO LEO....how?i won't say it...i guess what i'm saying is that this time we'll make it last forever....and i hope we do... =)

gotta thing about liars...

wtf! being lied to sucks, right? especially when you are trying your best to be honest with that person and yet he can't even try to return the favor...and the worst part is he has the guts to get mad at you for getting mad at him for lying...i'm getting quite confusing right?

..here's the thing the night before my birthday i found out that he kept something from me..it wasn't really such a big deal...then the night of my birthday i found out that there was another thing that he tried to keep from me...and then the following day i found out another thing that he kept from me..and the worst part is he lied about it before i found out..and i believed him...and the best thing about thae last thing that he lied about is that i didn't have to snoop around to get the information...a concerned citizen told me what really happened....

..see i had the best birthday this year...

..i know that by know i should be gathering up all the courage that i need to get up and leave him....but i can't ='t...i just o9ve him too much to just get up and walk away from him....

..hey do me a favor...can you help me?? help me figure out what to do and how to do it?...

ber...

...roughly 2 weeks left before the month of september ends...but it's only now that i realized that it's already the month on "bers"....christmas and new year is just around the corner...

...it's only now that i realized that i've been here for three months now...and i need to pay a visit to bicol...hehehe...well we're planning to go home in october..but it still depends on the budget that we have..you see, life here is so "magastos!"... as in..hehehe... we have to pay the rent every end of the month...we have to buy the supplies that we need in our humble home...and with the sked that we have we can help but eat more than 5 times a day...hehehehe...

..in less than two months it's gonna be me and my mom's b-day....

...in 3 mos. (more or less) it'll be christmas...but base on the sked that was given to us it's impossible for me to be home on christmas...even on new year...i guess this will be the first chrhistmas holidays that i'll spend away from home...away from my family....

..more trials...getting stronger

...2 years and 8 months..that's how long we've been together...and for a moment i thought we won't get to this point...i almost gave up...i was ready to leave about a week ago...but he gave me a reason to have faith once more...now we are still together...until when??...i don't know...but i do hope this one would last until forever....

hon if you can read this Happy monthsary..i love you so much..mwaaahhhh...

c yah later... ;)

sleep deprived!

...i wanna get some sleep...some more sleep actually...i feel so sleep deprived... let me tell you why...

first of all i have work.it doesn't make sense that i'm sleep deprived just because i got work, right?...actually it's not just the work..it's the schedule...my shift is from 3:30am-12:30pm... and since i'm quite scared of leaving my place during wee hours in the morning i chose to go out at around 12am...so that means i'm up from around 10pm (i'm still so mbagal..i need more than an hour to prepare if i'm going out...hehehe)...then i only get to sleep at around 1:30 or later...coz that's the time i get home...so that means i'm at work from 12:30am-12:30pm....12 hours of being in the office, two hours for preparing for work, roughly an hour and a half of travel to and from work, and approximately an hour and a half for my meals (after work-12:30pm lunch, and 7:30pm for dinner)...for a grand total of 17 hours of being awake...that leaves me with only 7 hours to sleep... then there days when i'm not able to sleep at once coz it's either too hot or i'm waiting for someone...so that leaves me with less than 5 hours of sleep...

second reason why i'm sleep deprived is that somtimes i really don't sleep..wahehehe...i'm often awake in the afternoon until the time that i have to start preparing for work again...it's hard to sleep sometimes coz it get's too hot here...our room feels like an oven...literaly!

...well...sleep deprived or not...i really want to get some sleep right now...a good one week worth of all sleeping time...hehehe... antokin??

new place, new beginning

..it's been more than two months since i have left the quiet place where i grew up...yes, there were issues from that place that i had to get away from..but i never thought things would be this hard here...i've been staying in the busy place called Pasig...i've been here for more than two months...in the first few weeks i have learned to keep my mouth shut about some things...but of course there will come a time when you know you have to speak up...and that's what happened...

..someone was doing things that i didn't like...she was telling a lot of things about me...then i got pissed off, i confronted her...not knowing that a big mess would come my way once i spoke up...
..and yes that BIG MESS indeed came...and it didn't end there...even her parents are joining in on the fight that we have...which pisses me off and at the same time makes me the kind of animals they are...if they only knew what their daughter have been doing since she met my hubby...then maybe they wouldn't react that way...well...right now i don't care...they can do or say whatever they want..i don't give a damn...as long as i know that leo is on my side I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!...

..yes it hurts to know that you can't even fight for yourself at times when you know you have every right to do so...but what the hell...i can't defend myself?...i do care...i wan't to defend myself...but i don't want to stoop to their level...so i'll just keep everything to myself and stay as the intelligent young lady that i am...

..i still have leo...and i know i always will...

friends..farewell..

in the months that i have spent working at mbs i have made a lot of friends...and now that i am counting my remaining days in this company..i would like to post something about the people that i've met..people that have somehow made me smile..people that have been a part of, not just my working life, but life in general..

here are some of the friends that i've made and the times i've spent with them..kudos guys!!! i'm gonna miss you all.... (just press play to view the slideshow..hehehe)

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..life has been a huge roller coaster ride for me..thanks for sharing this ride with me guys...and for making each second of the ride worthwhile...til' then...
THANKS A LOT GUYS!!!

(inuman n lng kita pguli koh..hehehe..kung nuarin mn ito...hehehe)

..an open letter

..i wish to talk to someone..i want to tell her a lot of things..but i'm not allowed to talk to her or even text her...even i, forbid myself to communicate with her..but the thing is i really want to tell her things..i want to tell her how i feel...so i'll just post it here and hope that these will help lessen th heavy feeling that i hold in my heart right now..

_ _ _,
hi..it's me again..yeah! and there's an issue between us again...i just want to ask why you went to see my boyfriend?..isn't it clear that what ever it is that you had before is over now..it' been long gone..it's been a year..i know i'm not in the place to tell you this but please just respect the fact the he has a girlfriend now..and i'm his girl..pls stop communicating with him...i admit i'm jealous..i don't want to see you anywhere near my hubby...i don't want to see your name on his phone..i don't want to hear anything about you...i don't want you to be be connected to him in anyway..

..it's over between the two of you so just please leave us alone!..move on girl..and don't tell me that you guys are just friends coz i don't believe that exs could be friends at all..please just go on with your life and we'll go on with ours...i hope this is the last time that i have to deal with you...it's over...face it..get over it...move on...



----i hope my boyfriend gets to read this..i'm really bothered right now...the video that i saw of my hubby and his ex together keeps playing over and over again...i wanna make it stop but it won't..it makes me cry everytime...and the word sorry, no matter how many times and how sincere and regretful he seemed while apologizing can't still remove the pain that i feel now...and i do appreciate his effort to win back whatever trust i used to have for him..but right now, it is just too hard to trust him again..and like what i told him...the sense of security or sense of assurance that i used to feel is now gone..i'm just so filled with doubt at the moment...i want to believe him again..but it's hard...soo hard ='(

..counting the days...

it's true when they say that after every laughter, comes tears...in my 3-day stay in manila..i thought everything was going my way...i got what i went there for..a new job..a new contract..i met some of my hubby's friends..i had the chance to be with my hubby for the whole 3-day stay that i had in Manila..but unfortunately i found out something on the last day of my stay there...something that has haunted me since i learned about it..i was so hurt..but there's nothing i can do..what's done is done..even if the word sorry is uttered it still can not fixed the broken heart and broken trust that i have right now...i just wish i hadn't found out about it..maybe i'd feel a lot better today...well, right now all i can say is life sucks! BIG TIME!!... and FUCK LIFE!!!

as for now..life, no matter how much it sucks, must go on...and right now i'm counting the days til i get to leave bicol...counting the days 'til i'm away from the people who have made my stay here better...i'm gonna miss them..but the life and the memories that i've had from bicol is not something i want to have for the rest of my life...yes, i'm a bicolana...and i'm proud to be one...but this place has given me a lot of bad memories...memories that i want to forget...

the melai who will leave this province on the 14th will not be the same melai who grew up here...she will be smarter, stronger,...and she will start to build a new life...a life away from the persons who caused her pain and grief..away from the persons who made her hate the life that she has...

please don't

Please don't ask me what am i thinking
It's about you
And please don't ask me, I never can see you
What can i do
My first impulse is to run to your side
My heart's not free,and so i must hide
Please don't ask me
What i'm gonna say to you

I toss and turn, Can't sleep at night
It's worrying me,
I go to bed turn out the light
But your face i see
It only hurts the more i pretend
That we could ever be more than friends
Please don't ask me
Why I'm so in love with you

You could easily make me happy, that I know
But I try my best to never tell you so
I will sing to you my love songs, and pretend
but I'll keep my secrets right down to the end

Please don't ask me why I'm not talking
I just can't explain
And please don't ask me why I go walking out in the rain
I could not live the lie it would take
To have you near would be a mistake
Please don't ask me why I'm still in love with you
No please don't ask me

Please don't ask me
-by James Farnham

--this has always been one of my favorite songs since highschool...i remember my bestfriend (Arianne) singing this almost everyday...and i love it when she plays this song on her keyboard...i miss my bestfriend..i miss singing this song with her... well i guess i'll have to sing this song on my own for a while...but i do hope i get to see her soon...she's like my little sister...although she's older than me, she is definitely smaller that i am...hehehe... mishu best... :)