please don't

Please don't ask me what am i thinking
It's about you
And please don't ask me, I never can see you
What can i do
My first impulse is to run to your side
My heart's not free,and so i must hide
Please don't ask me
What i'm gonna say to you

I toss and turn, Can't sleep at night
It's worrying me,
I go to bed turn out the light
But your face i see
It only hurts the more i pretend
That we could ever be more than friends
Please don't ask me
Why I'm so in love with you

You could easily make me happy, that I know
But I try my best to never tell you so
I will sing to you my love songs, and pretend
but I'll keep my secrets right down to the end

Please don't ask me why I'm not talking
I just can't explain
And please don't ask me why I go walking out in the rain
I could not live the lie it would take
To have you near would be a mistake
Please don't ask me why I'm still in love with you
No please don't ask me

Please don't ask me
-by James Farnham

--this has always been one of my favorite songs since highschool...i remember my bestfriend (Arianne) singing this almost everyday...and i love it when she plays this song on her keyboard...i miss my bestfriend..i miss singing this song with her... well i guess i'll have to sing this song on my own for a while...but i do hope i get to see her soon...she's like my little sister...although she's older than me, she is definitely smaller that i am...hehehe... mishu best... :)

..crazy

..life has been crazy lately...i've been crazy...i just wish things would just go back the way they were...maybe..just maybe i'll be able to finish all the tasks i'm expected to do...


waaaahhhh!!!!!



i got to work now....

but i'm feeling quite sleepy....

feeling sleepy....




so sleepy....




must




not




sleep




must





work






...can't help it






...no!!!!!!!!!!







zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ





..melai is now asleep..
pls leave a message sa ym (LOLZ)...

12 months..12 persons..

..tagged by ate yhen again..

Here are the rules for this one..

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below)
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know that know by visiting their blog and leaving a comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you've done it.

Here are the 12 persons that i'm tagging:

1. ate nice
2. cris
3. mike
4. jam
5. haze
6. hazey
7. kr
8. mommy yho
9. kuya owen
10. halley
11. ruth
12. ate pre

the months and traits:

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others.Revengeful! Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive (lolz). Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Takes high pride in oneself. Too generous and egoistic. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious (not at all times). Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive (sometimes) but (not) petty (haha). Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

..took a risk

..today I took a big risk…as I write this blog I kept contemplating of the decision that I made... was it correct?..or was it a very big mistake that I will regret later?...i’m not sure if the move that I’ve made was another sign of my stupidity…or a sign that i have learned how to be stronger...more mature...

..they say that one shouldn’t be afraid of taking risks…well here I am...i took one…and I don’t know where this would take me…the decision that I made will affect everything that will happen in the coming days, weeks, and years…it will have a very big effect on my life…so far this is one of the biggest risks that I have taken in my life…pls. Lord don’t let this one break me…

..time is never really on my side…today I have made up my mind…that’s why I was rushing to send an e-mail to the persons concerned…but the USAP email was too slow…and when I asked someone about the matter…she told me that I need a hard copy and an approval from someone before I start counting the days…today my mind is made up…being feeble that I am when it comes to big decisions, I know that tomorrow I may start to think or believe the opposite of what I have decided today…

..the decision I have made today was a big one…and it took up a lot of my time and mental power (aba! Mental power ha!..hehe)…although I’m not 100% sure about it..i know that someday it’s something that I will have to do…and I’d rather do it now than wait and cause other people a lot of inconvenience..(bka nga mtuwa pa sila eh…hehehe)

..starting tomorrow I will start counting 30 days…30 days…30 days……..i’m not sure if I want those 30 days to last longer or shorter than it should be…..i’m gonna make the most of those 30 days….

mah' mom!

..tomorrow is mother's day...i often write my mom a letter to greet her...and each time she reads the letters and cards that i gave her it makes her cry...she tries to hide her tears from us, especially from me..but each time she tries, she fails...i can see right through her...i know when she's hurt..i know when she's frustrated..i know when she's happy..and growing up i have seen her hurt and disappointed too many times..although she tries to hide her pain with a smile i can still see and feel it...that' why this year i haven't given her a single card or letter..i didn't want to see her cry again... (i'm the only one who could make my mom cry..madrama ako eh,...hehehe)

this is my mama...
(sometimes i call her gurang...hehehe)

i love my mom..and although i'm so eager to leave her side i'd still like to tell her that i'll always be her little girl..no matter how much i've grown up now.....i know how painful it is for her to realize that her three girls are no longer girls...but ladies...or perhaps women...but i try to make her see that i'm still there for her no matter what...i just wish i had the guts to hug her tomorrow..but i can't...everytime i hug her tears just starts to fill my eyes...she's my strength..and amid the world of pain that i live in i have found refuge in her...just knowing that she's somewhere near me i feel completely secure...i hope she feels the same when all three or just either one of her three daughters are near her..

here are some of our pics...

(my face is bigger than my mom's...LOLZ!)

i love this pic...
i see how happy and proud she is that
i have graduated...yeah!

..by the way she fixed my make up for graduation..:)

i'm so proud of my mom...labyou gurang!...hehehe

Mama koh! labyou...
i'm so proud of you...
thanks for everything...
thanks for the strength...
thanks for always being there...
and for being a MOM and a bestfriend...

and speaking of mothers there is yet another on i wish to greet...my hubby's mom...Tita Myrna...She's a very strong woman..and i salute her for the strength she has shown despite everything that she had to go through....(and that was a lot..i'd rather wish i was dead than go through everything that she had to go through..)..she was one person who made me ask why awful things happen even to good people..well, she's lucky to have leo as a son..Leo loves her so much..and he never fails to tell and show her that...

tita myrna and my hubby...

someday i know i'm gonna be a mom too...(but not anytime soon)...i hope i'll be a good mom..and a good wife....

to both my mom and future mom (waheheheh) happy mother's day...i'm proud of you..and i love you both...i'm her always for both of you..and you know that...right...

tita myrna..i won't take leo away from you...i could never do that..he'll always be your little boy...

..and to my hubby..be patient..just wait...someday you'll be a dad too...and you'll b running after your little leo's... :) love you...

..me and my hubby

..my mind seems to be wondering off today..i cant think straight...and i can't pick up any idea for my articles today..so here i am blogging again..i miss my hubby...here are some of our pictures from the last time that he was here...

that's my hubby..unfortunately it's quite impossible to
take pictures of him without that tongue stick out..
..he's so makulet...and i love him...:)

after more than two years of being together
i still can't figure out why i still love sleeping on his chest...
(kakagising ko lng when he took that pic...)

this was an hour before leaving..we took a lot of pictures that day..
..i really love this pic...and i love it when he kisses my cheeks...
(sabay sabi ang "taba ng cheeks mo mahal koh"...LOLZ)

weeehhh! i miss my honey....
halata b? pareho kami double chin...hahaha

trying to keep a straight face...waheheh..it's hard..
especially when you have a clown beside you...he's my clown...
the only one who can make me laugh so hard...hehehe

..well...those are the pictures that i treasure so much on my phone..hopefully we'll have a lot more of these...he'll be coming home next next week...that would be May 20 or 21...we'll be taking more pictures of each other...weeeehhhh!!!!!

..summer

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash they're gone.
-the notebook

..it’s true that summer romances don’t usually last that long…maybe that’s why they are called “summer” romance or summer fling…but it also entirely depends on the two person involved if they want to make that summer romance last longer than the summer season…you can make it last…but you have to take a big risk…

..you’ll never actually know how your summer romance started, but you’ll definitely know why it ended – it wasn’t meant to last...for relationships or connections that started in resorts or in the beach, are supposed to end there…there is nothing wrong with it…but the thing about it is that you can’t lay your heart on the line…remember that it’s not gonna last…whatever connection you formed this summer could be formed with another person next summer, either you or the your summer fling will happen to flirt with someone else next summer… it’s hard to find security in a summer romance…all you’ll find is passion and fun…and when those two are gone…nothing will be left…but memories of a summer spent in the arms of someone who was also looking for just a mere playmate for the summer…

…the thrill of summer romances don’t last that long…when the warn air starts to grow cold…and when the summer sky starts to fade the passion will also start to fade…

..as for me...summer don't mean anything more than swimming and hot sun...and as the song goes "the summer sky don't mean a thing" (missing you by meja)...my summer will not be complete if i don't get to spend even just a day of swimming and flirting in the pool with my hubby...i know it's quite impossible for now coz were both quite busy..but we'll make it happen...even if summer's gone... :)

..regret

..regret comes in different shapes and sizes (just like some auto parts and accessories)..i just hope that the regret that's about to come to me isn't in the form of something that i've been scared of for the past year...

don't let go too soon, don't hold on for too long..

i read a blog post titled hang on..actually the next three paragraphs you are going to read is the comment i posted there..i just had to respond or comment on that post..especially on the line don't let go too soon, but don't hold on for too long...when is it too long, and when is it too soon?

..i don't think you'll ever know when it's too soon or too long...coz when you love someone often times you are blinded by that love...and of course you'll hold on as long as you can..no matter how painful things, issues, and words are starting to grow..maybe you'll only realize that you've been holding on for too long when you've already let the other person go..when you've finally and totally moved on..looking back at the past will make you see a lot of things..especially the things that you didn't see before...

and you'll never know that it's too soon until you feel the regret of letting the other person go..and realizing that there was somehow a big potential between the two of you..if only you didn't let him go..if only you fought for whatever it is that you feel for that person...

never be afraid to take risks..whether it be a risk of letting go or holding on...risks and regrets come hand in hand..but you won't feel so much regret if you enjoyed taking that certain risk...if taking that risk has somehow made your life worth living...

..can't write

..i can't write..:(( i know i gotta focus..and i'm trying so hard to focus right now...but no matter how hard i try all my efforts seem insufficient...my head hurts..my eyes are kind'a sore..i wish i knew how to keep my thoughts in just one direction - work..

..a lot of things are running in my mind right now..things that i should stay clear of for the time being...i gotta focus...my brain's starting to give up on me...my physical energy is at the top..but my mental energy is at its lowest...

..i have to think straight...or else!....

..need time..

..today was such a bad day...if only i could just run away and hide somewhere...somewhere no one can see me...somewhere i can be alone...a place where i can sob and cry all i want...a lot of disappointments came my way today..and one of them is a little too heavy to bear..i wanna clear myself of everything around me..and i mean EVERYTHING!..i will face all of these..but i need some time off before i do...

..lately

..i haven't been myself lately...slowly things that used to matter the most to me are starting to slip away....he knows how busy i've been..he knows how hard the changes have been for me...i know he's trying to understand everything that's happening...but it seems that he can't....i know i'm hurting him with everything...every hour that i seem to manage to make him feel unimportant...but it's not true...he's still important...very important to me...it's just that lately i have to joggle a lot of things...a lot of important things...i hope he gets to read this....i don't know how to explain myself to him...i want things back the way they used to be...but i'm afraid that slowly i'm growing..growing more preoccupied with so many things..dealing with the life that i have here-away from him.....growing more mature...slowly growing away from him.....

..slowly i'm getting used to him being away...to him not being able to be there for me.......slowly i'm getting used to not having him....i don't want to get used to it......i gotta go back to who i used to be...i gotta go back to the person who's always longing for him.......i gotta go back.... ='(

six random things.....

..got tagged by ate nice...

since my brain's not functioning properly today...i'll try this one..it might help..hehe

here's the rule: Link to the person who has tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Share six un-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. Let these random people know that they are tagged by leaving comments in their blog. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

So here we go:

1. i don't like seafoods..even fish....

2. i wake up every time i receive a text message at night, then fall asleep again even before i reply...hehe...

3. one of the main reasons why i go to my lola's house every sunday is to watch csi...that would be teh only time i watch tv for more than 30 min...

4. the very first thing i do when i wake up is check my phone for calls and messages...

5.i always read other peoples ym stats..just to relax my mind a little when it's starting get a little too tired...

6. i can't sleep without my bear..(take note my bear is wearing a bikini top..heheh)

...am now tagging ate yhen, jam, hazey, chris, kr, twnx.....

..playing with hearts...

..can you blame someone if that person starts falling for someone else?..i mean what if you loved someone so much..you were inseparable..then one day you got separated..you both fought for whatever it is that you had..you loved each other a lot...but what if because of your short comings that person found someone else?..what would you do?..would you still continue to love that person?..would you force yourself to be with that person despite the fact that his/her heart now belongs to someone else?... what if you were on the other person's place?...will you just forget the love that you once shared?..will you think that you'll be happy in the arms of your new love?...are you sure it's worth giving up the old love that you've had for years just for the spark of a new flame?....think about it..it's hard enough just thinking what you would do if you were in their place...what if you really were.....can you imagine that agony?...i sure can't.......

..if you were in the place of the one who's falling, be careful...if you are only playing you have to be very careful...remember you are playing with hearts....three fragile hearts...one belongs to the person you've loved, the other to the person you are falling for...and the other...guess to whom it belongs......

..it's yours my dear...your heart.....

..it will break too if ever you made the wrong choice....

..be careful...be very careful....

..tagged by ate yhen

1. Song that always makes you sad? Dance with my father...
2. Last thing you bought (food?)? fit&right (apple)
3. Last person you argued with? mama
4. Do you put Butter before putting the jelly on? nope..i don't like peanut butter....
5. One of your stuffed animals' names as a kid? booboo (until now...i have a stuffed toy named booboo)
6. Did you ever own at one time a Nysnc Cd? ..yup....i still listen to it....
7. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
8. Favorite Sundae topping?: chocolates
9. Did you take Piano lessons? nope...never liked to play musical instruments
10. Most frequent song played? back in to you-amber davis....
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy? one tree hill...
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey? basketball
13. Date someone older or younger? i'd probably go with the older guys....i see younger guys as my little brother...
14. One place you would wish to travel right now? anywhere basta my beach...or pool...hehehe
15. Do you use umbrellas? ..yup...
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem? ..nope...para ano pa?hehehe
17. Favorite Cheese? ...ahmmmm...cheese?! hehehe...
18. Disturbed or My Chemical Romance? my chmical romance...i'm not very familiar with disturbed...
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes? brunettes...
20. Best job you ever had? ..ahhhmmm...as a writer...hehehe
21. did you go to your high school prom? ..yup.......never regret i did...:)
22. perfect time to wake up? 9 am....
23. perfect time to go to bed? 12 midnight
24. do you use your queen right away in chess? ...ahmmmm...i don't play chess..i don't know how to...
25. Ever been in a car accident? yup
26. closer to mom or dad...or neither? mom....
27. what age is this exciting life over for you? 20-21...(hmmm...bkit kya....hihihi)
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?: ..this decade...
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned? my last pair of black shoes...the pointy ones...hehehe
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school? yes..my p.e. uniform...
31. Were you in track and field?: nope...but i liked running..fast...hehehe
32. Were you ever in a school talent show? ..nope...thank God!..hehe
33. Have you ever written in a library book? ..yup...a lot of times...hihihi
34. Allergic to? sea foods like crabs and shrimp....
35. Favorite fruit? mango, apple (fuji apples)
36. Have you watched sex and the city? ..once i think....
37. Baseball hat or toque?baseball hat...
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap? shampoo first....
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?: wet the toothbrush first...
40. Pen or pencil?: pencil..or sign pen...maarte ba?hehehhe
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino? nope...
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?: nope..never been on a plane...
43. Have you thrown up in a car? ..yup...hehe...
44. Have you thrown up at work? ..yup...but no one knew...until now..hehehe
45. Do you scream on roller coasters? ..yup....
46. Who was your first prom date? i didn't get his name..hehehe...he was in fourth year..i really didn't know him...
47. Who was your first roommate? ..my sis...
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time? ..beer...red horse....
49. What was your first job? office assistant....real job?...writer...
50. What was your first car? none so far, but i had one that was named to me only in the papers....it was a Toyota Tercel...
51. When did you go to your first funeral?..my dad's.... :'(
52. How old were you when you first travelled away from your hometown? ..5 or 4, i think....
53. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Seminiano...
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? haven't been on a plane trip...kulet nmn..hehe
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?: my elementary friends...
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Merlyn...unfortunately we lost contact........
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent's house? ..i haven't moved out...but i'm planning to...
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? ..my hubby.....
59. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? ..my mom's friend
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning? ..text....
61. What was the first concert you attended?: ..first concert...ahhhmm....i believe it was imago...
62. First tattoo or piercing? ear piercing…tattoo...henna...
63. First celebrity crush? Justine Timberlake...Kevin Cosner....:D

..i'll tag cris, jam, hazey, and kr.........

..web of lies

..lies has always been a big part of life...the word life could form the word lie, right?....it is something avoidable, but still some choose to utter lies than tell the truth....did you know that a single lie could complicate even the simplest issues....yes, it can...and a single lie could form a whole entangled web...and once you're caught in that web...it's hard to get out...it's hard to free yourself from the lies that you have tied around your own being....

"..the most hurtful kind of lies are the ones delivered by the people you care about the most...it makes you doubt everything you know..and makes you wonder why care so much..and worst of it all, it puts you in a position where you have to decide whether to tel them you know they're lying, like you're too dull to even know the difference...keep this in mind the next time you lie to someone who cares about you more often than not...they know it...and it hurts a lot..."

-grey's anatomy

..next time you think about lying to someone..think twice before doing so...loving someone who has lied to you a lot of times is very painful...and sometimes it gets exhausting too...if you don't want to loose that person..don't lie...they'll understand and appreciate the truth a lot more rather than sweet lies....a person in love often knows when the person they love is lying......they sometimes just choose to be silent about it.... :(

..be strong!

.."be strong lagi dito ha mahal koh..."..this is what he told me yesterday while i was comfortably wrapped with his arms, crying like a baby...

tears won't stop flowing right now...no matter how i try to fight them...they just won't stop falling...i gotta be strong...i gotta be strong...i can't cry!!! i shouldn't cry!!!

..he's off to manila again...my comfort zone is leaving again... (yup...he's my comfort zone...he's the only person who knows me totally..he's one of the few persons who knows what to do or say when i'm crying..)

..like the rain outside, my tears are still falling...maybe i'll take a walk in the rain later....just maybe....maybe the rain will wash away all the pain that i'm feeling right now...maybe the rain will wash away all the emptiness that i'm feeling...

..goodbye for now...

..yesterday(feb 18,08) i took a trip to a place i used to visit every weekend....it's been more than three months since i last visited that place...a lot of things have changed..but still some things, places and views remained the same...padang still showed memories of reming's wrath....but weeds are already starting to grow on some areas...the trip didn't take exactly an hour...it was more like a 45 minutes ride from legazpi...i was looking out the window the whole trip..usually i was asleep the whole 45 minutes of the trip..but this time i wasn't...i was busy watching the view outside....then a familiar comfortable feeling set in...i knew i was only minutes a way from one of my "comfort zones"....i was only minutes away from seeing him...i admit, i'm still quite stressed out, but the trip made me relax...by the time that i got there, signs of stress or anything negative didn't show (except for the very blooming pimple conveniently located on my chin..)...the trip lasted for 45 minutes, but for me it only lasted for 5 minutes or so....i stayed with him the whole day yesterday...but for me it lasted for less than an hour....we tried to make the most of the time that we had...but still it wasn't enough....but there's nothing we could do...before i went home tears started to flow...the assurance that i used to have is now weaker than ever..but still he tried to reassure me that everything will be ok...i hugged him...i hugged him so tight..tight enough to make it last til the next time i'll get to hug him again.....i hugged him as if letting him go would rip my heart out...as if letting go means breathing for the last time...i wanted that day to last forever..but then again it can't.....so for the last time that day i said that i love him so much...then we headed to the terminal where my ride away from him is waiting.....i kissed him one last time before i entered the van...then waved goodbye.....goodbye for now....seeing him walk away from the van that i was in was quite painful...it was just like the first time he left......on my ride home my eyes were still busy watching the view outside...it was raining...the trip lasted for 45 minutes..but i felt like a year...it was raining hard last night...i kept watching the rain fall on the window of the van...the rain won't stop...just like my tears..they won't stop falling....i felt my heart being ripped away from my chest as i travel....the sights, the places that i see going to that place and going home are the same...but they don't give the same feeling...i'm happy whenever i'm headed to that place...but the view going home hurts me in a way....i was leaving my comfort zone again...i knew that the moment i stepped out of the van i have to be the tougher melai...."be strong lagi dito ha.." that's what he told me yesterday.....he knows how weak i am..he also knows how strong i can be....i am strong..he just triggers my weak side, every time...the moment came...i got off the van...i felt all the colors from that day drain away from me....then i went home as if it was just an ordinary day...

today he's off to manila again....i asked him to text me when he's at the terminal, when he's on the bus...i asked him to text me where he is...i didn't know that it would be such a torture...as i write this blog tears won't stop flowing...my nose is all red from crying...and so are my eyes...

as promised i'll be a little less hard on my self..i'll try to be happy now...i know he won't be by my side anytime soon..but i'm willing to wait...whatever it is that's running through my head right now...whatever doubt i have, i'll just keep my mouth shut about it...he's one person i don't want to loose..not anytime soon...he's one person i never wanna loose...

..HONEY I LOVE YOU

..doubt

Doubt is a status between belief and disbelief. It is uncertainty or distrust of a fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. It brings into question some notion of reality, and may involve delaying relevant action out of concern that one might be mistaken or at fault.

The term "to doubt" can also mean "to question one's circumstances and life experience".

..doubt is one thing that can ruin almost everything...but it is a state of mind that is inevitable..some say that you'll only smell something fishy if you keep sticking you nose in it..same with doubt, you'll only doubt a certain situation, words, actions, or person if you keep thinking of reasons to doubt them...but what if it's the other way around?...what if you keep trying to find ways and facts to make yourself believe that person or situation but you just can't seem to find anything?.. what if all the reasons for you to doubt that person is laid out in front of you but you refuse to look at it...you refuse to see the facts..you refuse to believe the truth...what if accepting the existence of the facts means totally loosing whatever trust you have for that person?.. what if seeing the truth means loosing the other person completely?..any relationship can not exist without trust...trust doesn't mean that you'll never doubt the person..trust means you are hoping that the person will not fool you in any way..will not lie to you under any circumstance...in short, trusting someone means believing that the other person will be completely honest to you..no lies..just truth...i want a relationship built not on lies..i want honesty...i've been fooled and lied to a lot of times..i think i've had my fair share of lies...

facts are laid in front of you..everything, every detail tells you that what's running inside your head for the past few days is true..what will you do?.. will you believe the facts?.. or will you choose to believe the person who keeps denying the facts?..the person who told you that he wants to be with you..the person who keeps telling you that he wants to spend his life with you...
what will you believe? the facts or his words backed up with his actions?....

i wish he was here to explain everything...i wish arrives before i.............. :(

"..melai quit connecting the facts, will you?...you'll only hurt yourself..you think too much...... stop thinking too much..you'll only hurt yourself...........forget everything....just let it pass......everything will be ok....." - this is what i've been telling myself for the past few days...........but it seems i'm too stubborn to listen even to myself... :'(

..babies

..while doing some surfing on the net i stumbled upon pictures of someone i know..i saw her pictures with her babies..it looked so cute..she looked really happy..it would be so nice to have kids of my own..the pictures made me wonder if i'll also be that happy with my "future" babies.. (parang ang dami yta nun ha..BABIES..hehe)..the truth is i want to have babies..maybe two or three of them..but not in the very near future..hehehe..i'm not yet ready..maybe a year or more from now i will be ready..for now i guess i'll settle looking at pictures of my friends and acquaintances with their little chanax....

..someday i'll have a family of my own..kids of my own..by then i hope i'm ready..i know i'll be ready... i hope i'll be a good mother to my future babies..and a good wife to my future hubby (take note..ndi HUBBIES...hehe.. faithful ako!!) hahaha..

..for now i gotta go back to work..i gotta work hard.. it's for my own good..hehe.. (hindi nko mxado mgppasaway promise!!...)..

..by the way he's coming home on the 18th..if, indeed, he's here on the 18th i promise i'll be a little less hard on myself.. :) i know i'll be happier.. stronger.. better?..i hope so.. :)