..lately

..i haven't been myself lately...slowly things that used to matter the most to me are starting to slip away....he knows how busy i've been..he knows how hard the changes have been for me...i know he's trying to understand everything that's happening...but it seems that he can't....i know i'm hurting him with everything...every hour that i seem to manage to make him feel unimportant...but it's not true...he's still important...very important to me...it's just that lately i have to joggle a lot of things...a lot of important things...i hope he gets to read this....i don't know how to explain myself to him...i want things back the way they used to be...but i'm afraid that slowly i'm growing..growing more preoccupied with so many things..dealing with the life that i have here-away from him.....growing more mature...slowly growing away from him.....

..slowly i'm getting used to him being away...to him not being able to be there for me.......slowly i'm getting used to not having him....i don't want to get used to it......i gotta go back to who i used to be...i gotta go back to the person who's always longing for him.......i gotta go back.... ='(

six random things.....

..got tagged by ate nice...

since my brain's not functioning properly today...i'll try this one..it might help..hehe

here's the rule: Link to the person who has tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Share six un-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. Let these random people know that they are tagged by leaving comments in their blog. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

So here we go:

1. i don't like seafoods..even fish....

2. i wake up every time i receive a text message at night, then fall asleep again even before i reply...hehe...

3. one of the main reasons why i go to my lola's house every sunday is to watch csi...that would be teh only time i watch tv for more than 30 min...

4. the very first thing i do when i wake up is check my phone for calls and messages...

5.i always read other peoples ym stats..just to relax my mind a little when it's starting get a little too tired...

6. i can't sleep without my bear..(take note my bear is wearing a bikini top..heheh)

...am now tagging ate yhen, jam, hazey, chris, kr, twnx.....

..playing with hearts...

..can you blame someone if that person starts falling for someone else?..i mean what if you loved someone so much..you were inseparable..then one day you got separated..you both fought for whatever it is that you had..you loved each other a lot...but what if because of your short comings that person found someone else?..what would you do?..would you still continue to love that person?..would you force yourself to be with that person despite the fact that his/her heart now belongs to someone else?... what if you were on the other person's place?...will you just forget the love that you once shared?..will you think that you'll be happy in the arms of your new love?...are you sure it's worth giving up the old love that you've had for years just for the spark of a new flame?....think about it..it's hard enough just thinking what you would do if you were in their place...what if you really were.....can you imagine that agony?...i sure can't.......

..if you were in the place of the one who's falling, be careful...if you are only playing you have to be very careful...remember you are playing with hearts....three fragile hearts...one belongs to the person you've loved, the other to the person you are falling for...and the other...guess to whom it belongs......

..it's yours my dear...your heart.....

..it will break too if ever you made the wrong choice....

..be careful...be very careful....

..tagged by ate yhen

1. Song that always makes you sad? Dance with my father...
2. Last thing you bought (food?)? fit&right (apple)
3. Last person you argued with? mama
4. Do you put Butter before putting the jelly on? nope..i don't like peanut butter....
5. One of your stuffed animals' names as a kid? booboo (until now...i have a stuffed toy named booboo)
6. Did you ever own at one time a Nysnc Cd? ..yup....i still listen to it....
7. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
8. Favorite Sundae topping?: chocolates
9. Did you take Piano lessons? nope...never liked to play musical instruments
10. Most frequent song played? back in to you-amber davis....
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy? one tree hill...
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey? basketball
13. Date someone older or younger? i'd probably go with the older guys....i see younger guys as my little brother...
14. One place you would wish to travel right now? anywhere basta my beach...or pool...hehehe
15. Do you use umbrellas? ..yup...
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem? ..nope...para ano pa?hehehe
17. Favorite Cheese? ...ahmmmm...cheese?! hehehe...
18. Disturbed or My Chemical Romance? my chmical romance...i'm not very familiar with disturbed...
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes? brunettes...
20. Best job you ever had? ..ahhhmmm...as a writer...hehehe
21. did you go to your high school prom? ..yup.......never regret i did...:)
22. perfect time to wake up? 9 am....
23. perfect time to go to bed? 12 midnight
24. do you use your queen right away in chess? ...ahmmmm...i don't play chess..i don't know how to...
25. Ever been in a car accident? yup
26. closer to mom or dad...or neither? mom....
27. what age is this exciting life over for you? 20-21...(hmmm...bkit kya....hihihi)
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?: ..this decade...
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned? my last pair of black shoes...the pointy ones...hehehe
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school? yes..my p.e. uniform...
31. Were you in track and field?: nope...but i liked running..fast...hehehe
32. Were you ever in a school talent show? ..nope...thank God!..hehe
33. Have you ever written in a library book? ..yup...a lot of times...hihihi
34. Allergic to? sea foods like crabs and shrimp....
35. Favorite fruit? mango, apple (fuji apples)
36. Have you watched sex and the city? ..once i think....
37. Baseball hat or toque?baseball hat...
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap? shampoo first....
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?: wet the toothbrush first...
40. Pen or pencil?: pencil..or sign pen...maarte ba?hehehhe
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino? nope...
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?: nope..never been on a plane...
43. Have you thrown up in a car? ..yup...hehe...
44. Have you thrown up at work? ..yup...but no one knew...until now..hehehe
45. Do you scream on roller coasters? ..yup....
46. Who was your first prom date? i didn't get his name..hehehe...he was in fourth year..i really didn't know him...
47. Who was your first roommate? ..my sis...
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time? ..beer...red horse....
49. What was your first job? office assistant....real job?...writer...
50. What was your first car? none so far, but i had one that was named to me only in the papers....it was a Toyota Tercel...
51. When did you go to your first funeral?..my dad's.... :'(
52. How old were you when you first travelled away from your hometown? ..5 or 4, i think....
53. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Seminiano...
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? haven't been on a plane trip...kulet nmn..hehe
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?: my elementary friends...
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Merlyn...unfortunately we lost contact........
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent's house? ..i haven't moved out...but i'm planning to...
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? ..my hubby.....
59. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? ..my mom's friend
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning? ..text....
61. What was the first concert you attended?: ..first concert...ahhhmm....i believe it was imago...
62. First tattoo or piercing? ear piercing…tattoo...henna...
63. First celebrity crush? Justine Timberlake...Kevin Cosner....:D

..i'll tag cris, jam, hazey, and kr.........

..web of lies

..lies has always been a big part of life...the word life could form the word lie, right?....it is something avoidable, but still some choose to utter lies than tell the truth....did you know that a single lie could complicate even the simplest issues....yes, it can...and a single lie could form a whole entangled web...and once you're caught in that web...it's hard to get out...it's hard to free yourself from the lies that you have tied around your own being....

"..the most hurtful kind of lies are the ones delivered by the people you care about the most...it makes you doubt everything you know..and makes you wonder why care so much..and worst of it all, it puts you in a position where you have to decide whether to tel them you know they're lying, like you're too dull to even know the difference...keep this in mind the next time you lie to someone who cares about you more often than not...they know it...and it hurts a lot..."

-grey's anatomy

..next time you think about lying to someone..think twice before doing so...loving someone who has lied to you a lot of times is very painful...and sometimes it gets exhausting too...if you don't want to loose that person..don't lie...they'll understand and appreciate the truth a lot more rather than sweet lies....a person in love often knows when the person they love is lying......they sometimes just choose to be silent about it.... :(

..be strong!

.."be strong lagi dito ha mahal koh..."..this is what he told me yesterday while i was comfortably wrapped with his arms, crying like a baby...

tears won't stop flowing right now...no matter how i try to fight them...they just won't stop falling...i gotta be strong...i gotta be strong...i can't cry!!! i shouldn't cry!!!

..he's off to manila again...my comfort zone is leaving again... (yup...he's my comfort zone...he's the only person who knows me totally..he's one of the few persons who knows what to do or say when i'm crying..)

..like the rain outside, my tears are still falling...maybe i'll take a walk in the rain later....just maybe....maybe the rain will wash away all the pain that i'm feeling right now...maybe the rain will wash away all the emptiness that i'm feeling...

..goodbye for now...

..yesterday(feb 18,08) i took a trip to a place i used to visit every weekend....it's been more than three months since i last visited that place...a lot of things have changed..but still some things, places and views remained the same...padang still showed memories of reming's wrath....but weeds are already starting to grow on some areas...the trip didn't take exactly an hour...it was more like a 45 minutes ride from legazpi...i was looking out the window the whole trip..usually i was asleep the whole 45 minutes of the trip..but this time i wasn't...i was busy watching the view outside....then a familiar comfortable feeling set in...i knew i was only minutes a way from one of my "comfort zones"....i was only minutes away from seeing him...i admit, i'm still quite stressed out, but the trip made me relax...by the time that i got there, signs of stress or anything negative didn't show (except for the very blooming pimple conveniently located on my chin..)...the trip lasted for 45 minutes, but for me it only lasted for 5 minutes or so....i stayed with him the whole day yesterday...but for me it lasted for less than an hour....we tried to make the most of the time that we had...but still it wasn't enough....but there's nothing we could do...before i went home tears started to flow...the assurance that i used to have is now weaker than ever..but still he tried to reassure me that everything will be ok...i hugged him...i hugged him so tight..tight enough to make it last til the next time i'll get to hug him again.....i hugged him as if letting him go would rip my heart out...as if letting go means breathing for the last time...i wanted that day to last forever..but then again it can't.....so for the last time that day i said that i love him so much...then we headed to the terminal where my ride away from him is waiting.....i kissed him one last time before i entered the van...then waved goodbye.....goodbye for now....seeing him walk away from the van that i was in was quite painful...it was just like the first time he left......on my ride home my eyes were still busy watching the view outside...it was raining...the trip lasted for 45 minutes..but i felt like a year...it was raining hard last night...i kept watching the rain fall on the window of the van...the rain won't stop...just like my tears..they won't stop falling....i felt my heart being ripped away from my chest as i travel....the sights, the places that i see going to that place and going home are the same...but they don't give the same feeling...i'm happy whenever i'm headed to that place...but the view going home hurts me in a way....i was leaving my comfort zone again...i knew that the moment i stepped out of the van i have to be the tougher melai...."be strong lagi dito ha.." that's what he told me yesterday.....he knows how weak i am..he also knows how strong i can be....i am strong..he just triggers my weak side, every time...the moment came...i got off the van...i felt all the colors from that day drain away from me....then i went home as if it was just an ordinary day...

today he's off to manila again....i asked him to text me when he's at the terminal, when he's on the bus...i asked him to text me where he is...i didn't know that it would be such a torture...as i write this blog tears won't stop flowing...my nose is all red from crying...and so are my eyes...

as promised i'll be a little less hard on my self..i'll try to be happy now...i know he won't be by my side anytime soon..but i'm willing to wait...whatever it is that's running through my head right now...whatever doubt i have, i'll just keep my mouth shut about it...he's one person i don't want to loose..not anytime soon...he's one person i never wanna loose...

..HONEY I LOVE YOU

..doubt

Doubt is a status between belief and disbelief. It is uncertainty or distrust of a fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. It brings into question some notion of reality, and may involve delaying relevant action out of concern that one might be mistaken or at fault.

The term "to doubt" can also mean "to question one's circumstances and life experience".

..doubt is one thing that can ruin almost everything...but it is a state of mind that is inevitable..some say that you'll only smell something fishy if you keep sticking you nose in it..same with doubt, you'll only doubt a certain situation, words, actions, or person if you keep thinking of reasons to doubt them...but what if it's the other way around?...what if you keep trying to find ways and facts to make yourself believe that person or situation but you just can't seem to find anything?.. what if all the reasons for you to doubt that person is laid out in front of you but you refuse to look at it...you refuse to see the facts..you refuse to believe the truth...what if accepting the existence of the facts means totally loosing whatever trust you have for that person?.. what if seeing the truth means loosing the other person completely?..any relationship can not exist without trust...trust doesn't mean that you'll never doubt the person..trust means you are hoping that the person will not fool you in any way..will not lie to you under any circumstance...in short, trusting someone means believing that the other person will be completely honest to you..no lies..just truth...i want a relationship built not on lies..i want honesty...i've been fooled and lied to a lot of times..i think i've had my fair share of lies...

facts are laid in front of you..everything, every detail tells you that what's running inside your head for the past few days is true..what will you do?.. will you believe the facts?.. or will you choose to believe the person who keeps denying the facts?..the person who told you that he wants to be with you..the person who keeps telling you that he wants to spend his life with you...
what will you believe? the facts or his words backed up with his actions?....

i wish he was here to explain everything...i wish arrives before i.............. :(

"..melai quit connecting the facts, will you?...you'll only hurt yourself..you think too much...... stop thinking too much..you'll only hurt yourself...........forget everything....just let it pass......everything will be ok....." - this is what i've been telling myself for the past few days...........but it seems i'm too stubborn to listen even to myself... :'(

..babies

..while doing some surfing on the net i stumbled upon pictures of someone i know..i saw her pictures with her babies..it looked so cute..she looked really happy..it would be so nice to have kids of my own..the pictures made me wonder if i'll also be that happy with my "future" babies.. (parang ang dami yta nun ha..BABIES..hehe)..the truth is i want to have babies..maybe two or three of them..but not in the very near future..hehehe..i'm not yet ready..maybe a year or more from now i will be ready..for now i guess i'll settle looking at pictures of my friends and acquaintances with their little chanax....

..someday i'll have a family of my own..kids of my own..by then i hope i'm ready..i know i'll be ready... i hope i'll be a good mother to my future babies..and a good wife to my future hubby (take note..ndi HUBBIES...hehe.. faithful ako!!) hahaha..

..for now i gotta go back to work..i gotta work hard.. it's for my own good..hehe.. (hindi nko mxado mgppasaway promise!!...)..

..by the way he's coming home on the 18th..if, indeed, he's here on the 18th i promise i'll be a little less hard on myself.. :) i know i'll be happier.. stronger.. better?..i hope so.. :)

..my first time (hehe)

..i've been tagged by ate yen...this is the first time so i guess i'll try this one...hehe

1. Name 1 thing you do everyday: i sing...even if i'm out of tune or i don't know the lyrics..i just sing (some call it tula or ngmumura daw ako..hehehe)
   

2. Name 2 things you wish you could learn: ice skating and play drums!!! yeah!!!

3. Name 3 things that remind you of your childhood: (1) plastic chairs.i accidentally fell off from one of those and hit my head..and although it wasn't that tall i couldn't stop crying...what?! i was a kid..a kid with a big bukol..i fell hard..ouch!!! (2)paper dolls ( -i loved paperdolls..i used to buy one every day..and at the end of the day i'd see my paper doll swimming in the plangana..it drowned..i forgot that i didn't know how to swim..hehehe... (3) lunch box -Papa always prepares our snack..he often makes sandwich with ham, cheese, mayo and sometimes mustard...he likes to make those kinds of sandwich..i wonder why i never grew fat when he was still there to cook for us..hehehe..

4. Name 4 things you love to eat but rarely do: fries..i don't have the time nor the money to visit my old friend jobee, instant canton..i can't find the time to cook..whenever i have the time i'm too lazy to cook..no one's gonna cook it for me...so i'll settle not eating canton at all... sisig (ninongs!).. still i don't have the time to go there..and i'm not allowed to go there any more...pizza!..don't have the money and time...(see time lagi kontra sakin! hmpf!!!)

5. Name 5 things that make you feel good: (1)text messages from my significant (hmmm) other....wahehehehe... (2) keeping myself busy... (3)junkfoods (loads of junkfoods...)...(4)soundtrip.. (5) the so called "power nap"!!! yeah!!!

..so who am i gonna tag?...i think i'll go for
halley, kuya owen, ruth,
ate nice, jam,ate ailene.. :)

take care you guyzzz.....

..lss (last song syndrome)

The lights are now on us
The stage surrounds us
But it’s you
It’s you i remember

This maybe our best gig
The most well attended
But it’s you
That i wanna be with

Cos whenever you’re not here
There’s this void i feel within
It’s you i crave
And need

[Chorus]
Cos i’m here, and you’re there
It’s too much for me to bear
So hold on, soon i’ll be home

The times ???
Gets too familiar
What i want
Is to be with you

Cos the last song syndrome here
Is your voice i hear so clear
You said you’ll wait
For me

[repeat Chorus]

I miss the way you touch my face
I miss the way to say my name
I miss you, oh baby
I wish you’re here with me

Cos i’m here, and you’re there
It’s too much for me to bear
So hold on

[repeat Chorus]

Soon i’ll be home

..this is a song of the band stonefree...i've been singing it for quite some time now..but i never really knew the words...but now i know the words...the whole song..the song makes me sad..so sad..but at the same time it gives me some kind of hope... soon i'll be home...i'll be home....HOLD ON!!!!

..moving on, but not letting go

..last monday he was supposed to be here..but he wasn't because of some financial issues..on the 12th he's going to puerto galera for their team building, that's why he still can't be here...of course, on valentines day he won't be here bcoz of work..and even if he was here i have work..i can't be with him..so he promised that he'd be here on the 18th...but then again that trip to puerto galera is postponed..it is deemed to be moved on the 18th... what the !@#$!!!!! (yaku mgmura ng bulgar sa blog..sori ha..hehehe)...whatever plans we've made is once again doomed to be changed.. haven't i learned? you might ask..sad to say, i haven't...i'm still not used to the feeling of getting too excited about him coming home and then suddenly just plainly and disturbingly disappointed...life can be so frustrating sometimes..but there's nothing i can do...weeping is the only option i have right now...actually it's not an option..it's an involuntary reaction of the eye (my eyes) whenever i feel disappointed..i'm really disappointed at the moment...tears are starting to fill my eyes..but i don't want to cry..

..have you ever missed someone so much to the point that their voice could actually make you weep?...to the point that you wanna call that person to hear his voice but you know you'll only end up crying..so you'll just settle not to hear his voice..(sorry if your starting to hate me bcoz i'm so open about my emotions sa blog ha..hirap lang kc kimkimin lhat...) i don't know if he reads my blogs...he's seen some of them, but not all..but i do hope he reads this one...i want him to know how bad i'm feeling right now..but i don't want to tell him directly..i want him to come home..even for just awhile...even if i'll only be with him for a few hours...i just wana see him again...i miss him so much, it hurts a lot..last monday i stared at his picture, it made me cry...i can barely remember his smile..i can't remember how it feels to hold his hand..haAy.. :'( even for just a few hours...let me be with him...please... :'(

..team nice

..saturday, feb. 02, 08..for the first time i got the chance to hang out with team nice...we played badminton..i never thought i could have that much fun (no offense guys ha..hehehe...i wasn't in the mood to be makulit that day e..hehehe)...but i did...i enjoyed every moment that i spent with them...thanks guys...

..kuya owen was beaten by halley.. ate nays thought ruth how to play badminton...ruth can now play badminton...i learned a couple of things about them..i didn't think i'd be comfortable with them at once..but i did become comfy..i learned that kuya owen is not as serious as i always thought he was..halley is somewhat childlike, makulet..ruth nutritionist? hehehe..she's pretty much concerned with her well-being (go girl!).. ate nays..lives up to her name...hehe..she's really nice...i think i'm gonna enjoy being here..i'm gonna enjoy being part of team nice..

..after that afternoon (evening) jam with them i went home with a lot of muscle pain and a smile on my face..i had a great time..i have met a lot of people here in MBS...and i'm glad i met all of them.. :) (see! my whole world doesn't revolve around 1 person!..hehehe..)

..thanks guys..thanks a lot.... :)

..ice skating

"When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness. Will they make noble choices or will that person be someone untested? Someone new? Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. When it does - is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone who'll watch over you when you stumble and fall, and in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone.."

..these words were taken from one of my favorite tv series - one tree hill... these lines made me think..is there someone watching over me? will he wait till i stumble or will he catch my fall?..i've had my share disappointments and failures in my life..stumble? i stumbled a lot in the past...but the thing is life is just like ice skating -when you really don't know how to ice skate...when you fall you try to get up..the more you try to get up the more you'll fall, and sometimes you'll fall harder..when you've already managed to stand up and you think you can manage to take one step or one glide..you'll fall..a lot harder than your previous fall..a lot more painful..at one point you'll get tired and think that it is better to sit on the ice and just let the cold temperature eat you up...but isn't it better to keep trying to stand up and skate?...coz after several hard and painful falls you'll learn how to stand up on ice with skates on your feet..sooner or later you'll learn how to walk on ice..you'll learn to glide..all you need is courage to stand up and take that first step..sooner or later the bruises and wounds you got from falling too hard will no longer be visible..they will all be nothing but marks or memories of the times you fell....picture yourself in a rink (ice skating rink)..you are standing alone at the center..who do you see standing next to you? who will take your hand and help you make that first step? who will help you stand up when you start to fall again...will that person wait for you to fall or will he catch your fall so you won't hit the ground..when you are in a rink the only thing the other person can do for you is hold your hand tight..he can't catch your fall..he can guide you but he cannot make the steps for you...

..When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with?..i'd face it with him..but i won't hide behind his back..i won't hide..i won't be afraid..he need not protect me...i have to face life..all he can do is hold my hand and lead me to the light..he can't face life for me..this life is mine to face and to conquer..

..if life comes rushing at me i'll be ready..
..i'll face it...

..the first

..it's feb.1...its the first day of the month of hearts...it's a bitter-sweet month..some, like the commercial of an anit-dandruff shampoo, will be spending a "black valentine" this year instead of the usual red and romantic ones. as for me, right now i'm not thinking about valentine's day...february is the month that my father died..that' why this is kind of a bitter-sweet month for me...i miss papa, a lot actually..while i was surfing the net yesterday i got the chance to read blogs, articles about life and stuff..in one of the blogs that i've read the writer mentioned her dad..based on what she's written i can tell that she shares a tight bond with her dad..i wish i did too...but sadly, i'm not that close to my father..he died when i was 12, so i didn't really get to talk to him much about life, work, love and school (i often tell school stuff to my mom..i can barely talk to him without getting yelled at...).. when he died i kept telling myself that it was entirely his fault why i didn't get to spend time with him...the thing is, he spends time with my two sisters...i'm always left with my mom..that's why i never learned to cook...coz he never really taught me..among the 3 siblings, i'm the one who gets yelled at the most...i'm the one who gets the most spanking...i hated him...i blamed him for every failure that i encountered during my elementary days..but now that i've grown up i realized a lot..i realized that i was too be blamed too.. that despite everything that he's done, i could have been a better person..i could have used all those things to prove to him that i'm better..that i'm more than the failure that he sees in me...but its too late to make him see that now...he's gone...


..i got this pic from the internet...i really miss my dad..it's been 9 years..nine regretful years..if only i could talk to him...i'll show him that he could be proud of me too...the way he's proud of my sisters...

"..sometimes i listened outside her door, and hear how my mama cries for him, i pray for her even more than me, i pray for her even more than me..i know i'm praying for much too much, but could you send back the only man she loved, i know you don't do it usually, but dear Lord she' dying to dance with my father again.."

..this was from the song dance with my father..originally it was sung by luther vandross, then revived by celine dion...i don't like hearing the song..i don't like reading it's lyrics...but the lyrics are somehow etched in my mind...the whole song is one of the l.s.s that seem to haunt me..only it's the sole lss that keeps playing in my head, complete with lyrics..i hate this song because it makes me see the reality that no matter how strong my mom appears to be she still needs my dad..to help her out...to just hold her in times that everything's a mess...

..the date Feb 14? i haven't thought about it much...maybe a little..not because it's valentines day, but because it's a special day for "us"...i know my mom will get through this valentine's day as peaceful as she could...she's been alone for nine valentine's already...i know she misses him..but i also know she'll get through..she has me and my sisters..she'll always have me...

..test of fate?..

..talk about getting your hopes high..i got the bad news last night..once again i got disappointed and hurt...have you ever had the feeling that no matter how you try make your plans work, they just won't work out..no matter how you try to be with someone, even for just 1 day, fate is just not on your side..like something's always keeping us from seeing each other..this would be the second time that he planned to come home, but something came up and he can't come home..i was really happy when he said that he'll try to come home this weekend..but something came up, it's not possible for him be with me this weekend..he can't come home..but i totally understand the situation...its just that i got my hopes high..too high maybe...just too see them all crashing down...when will i ever learn?!....i can't help but feel really sad right now...and i'm not feeling well, either...i don't want to mope all day but i'm really feeling down..i gotta be strong..not just for myself but for someone else..someone who, i think, is as disappointed as i am..fate once again is playing its tricks on me..on us...i just hope we'll make it through...i know we can..we just have to be strong...this test of fate is really pissing me off..but there's nothing i can do, i gotta fight...i have to be strong...

..if only i could ask fate to stop playing tricks on me and just leave me alone...but i guess i can't do that...no matter how hard i pray it will still continue to do what it does best-play tricks on every one..these tricks, trials, or tests (or whatever you might call them) are suppose to make me strong, right?...just have to hold on to life...

..princess

..he called me a princess!(kilig..hahaha)..yes, he already called me that before, but last monday it felt different..i don't know why..heheh..all i know is that he made me smile (i was kind of galit kc that time..)..then he said a lot of things..i really couldn't imagine him saying them..but he did..and i'm really happy.

i miss him..but slowly i'm growing more mature..i know i had "tantroms" the whole week last week, but it ws not another case of me being immature..it was more like a PMS..(yeah! may PMS din ako!!hahaha).. and there were also a lot of issues that i had to deal with...now i'm back..and i'm happier...i could go on 8 hours(my working hours) without getting disappointed at him for not texting me...but of course, i still anticipate his text..i still text him...

..he's going to puerto galera on feb.12...yeah! i don't like the idea but there's nothing i could do.i'll just have to trust him..a lot!..hehe..i saw pics of puerto galera on the internet..the pic didn't help at all...they made me feel even worst...puerto galera has loads of resorts..beautiful resorts..white sand beaches..it looks so summer..and i bet ti looks perfectly romantic at night..i don't want him to be there with other girls...but again, there's nothing i could do, right...i have to trust him...and pray that he doesn't fall for any of his team mates during those days that he'll spend there with them..

..it's 10:42 am..it's really really cold here at my station..i'm freezing...i can feel my whole body shivering...and i'm already starving..he hasn't texted me since last night..but its ok..i know he doesn't have any prepaid load yet..maybe tonight i'll load up...i really miss him... i hope he can really come home this weekend (his weekend pala..)..lunch is still 10 minutes away..i have to get out of this station..i'm really freezing...i didn't think it could be this cold here, i mean i'm already used to the temperature..only this time the air condition unit is aimed at my back..huhu... brrrrr!!! realy cold...

10:55 (pc time)..think..think...think...how will i start an article about a Nissan Sentra control arm?...hmmmm.. O.M.G.!!! my brain's already frozen...hehehe..nah! just kidding...i just can't seem to think right now...i'm shivering...my head hurts..my fingers are numb and are starting to get stiff..5 more minutes...

"ulap ay sadyang kay dilim..tila yata may bagyong parating..bakit ka lumuluha? bakit nagtataka? kala mo ba ika'y iniwan na..hindi pasan kita di mo b nakikita di kana sa akin ay luluha pa...di ko naman hangad ang ano mang bagay sa mundo..ang tanging hiling ko lang ay yakapin mo.." - callalily (pasan) this was one of the sons that he sang to me (actually he just texted me the lyrics..)..he sent me these words when i was so problematic..to the point that i was ready to give up on everything...he was already in manila during those times...but now i'm ok...i'm still fighting...although he's far from me i know he's holding my hand..keeping me strong...always..

..such a mess..

..it all started last tuesday..i wrote on my YM stat "i'm such a mess"..that stat kind of got stuck..until now i keep feeling that i'm a mess...i can help but feel that i'm a big failure..the stat stuck on me like a chewing gum stuck on a shoe..i hope i can still get rid of it..i don't to be this big of a mess forever..i have to fix myself..i'm trying to fix myself, but unfortunately the more i try the bigger mess i become..

..once again life is giving me a hard time...i just wish i'm strong enough to face the things, problems and issues that are being thrown at me..have i mentioned that they are being thrown at me all at the same time...yes, all of them..shit! i'm not that strong... if you happen to see me smiling right now, it does not mean that i'm ok...i'm just trying to be ok...

..school stuff. i hate it...i know i didn't give my schooling enough attention when i needed to, but why now?..i have a lot more issues to resolve now..i'm afraid that i won't be able to graduate because of 1 subject..one stupid subject..i've made up my mind about leaving, but i can't leave til i graduate..

..family matters.i can't run away from it..my family's fine..but the extension's not...my sister's having trouble with one of our titas..my sister said that things are just "magulo" there..but i can't help but blame myself..i think what's happening to my sister and tita has something to do with the decision i made last november..i did n't think that decision could ever have an effect with how my tita treats my sister..my sister has nothing to do with my decision...besides the two of them are not even involved in issues i have with my other tita...

..work.it's fine..but lately i've been failing some tasks..and i can't seem to think straight..i can't focus on my work..all my problems are taking a very big part of my attention..i want to focus on my work..with my tasks..but my head is always somewhere else and i hate it..for days i've been trying to fight the tears..shamefully my eyes always start to be filled with tear whenever i'm at work...but thankfully i have not cried in my station since i got here.. (i cried in my previous station,but it was a different case.)

..love.so far this is the only thing that keeps me intact..i know i'm falling apart but he still keeps me together..the only thing bout my love life is that he's too far from me right now...and i need him to be close when i'm this low..but there's nothing i can do about it..i gotta be strong, on my own..i gotta learn to be strong..he would always utter those words whenever i start crying...i am strong..but not right now..

....running away from everything is the best choice i have so far..i can't face all of this on my own...but i'll find the right time to runaway..its not now..not yet today..not this month..i'll wait for the right time..i just hope it comes before i start to give up on everything :(

..daydreaming..still missing him.. ='(

..funny how he manage to enter my mind even at the most unexpected time..i'm at work..i'm supposed to be writing an article about car parts but obviously i'm not.. i keep seeing him surprising me again..picking me up from work....these images makes me miss him a lot more than i already do.. i'm so pre-occupied with thoughts of him..i won't be able to finish work if this goes on for the next hour...i gotta snap out of this... bad as my day has been so far, thoughts of him still keeps me calm and sane... i miss my honey...can't wait to see you again...i don't when, but i'll wait...i promise...

..i wish he was here..i know he can't take away the pain that i'm feeling now but i know i'll feel a bit better if i get to hold his hand..that's how we used to be when he was still here..i just hold his hand whenever i'm in pain..i wish he was here now..to hold me..to hug me tight and never leave my side..

..he was supposed to come home last sunday..i was supposed to be with him the last monday..the whole day..but he was not able to come home..i didn't get to be with him..part of me is blaming a person (if it weren't for that person he would have been here)..but still part of me understands that his not being able to come home is a blessing in disguise..if he went home he'll probably end up having money problems again before the payday..atleast now i know he's there working, with enough budget to last til the next payday..i don't know if he'll be here after the next payday, but i hope he comes home..even for just a day..i just wanna see him again..

..a big mess...

..i'm such a mess today..i forgot my locker keys..i'm not feeling well..i wana sleep the whole day..i don't want to be near anyone at the moment..but there's nothing i can do..i have to work..i have to go to school..i think no matter how much i try to fix this day..it won't be fixed.....i wish this day would just end as fast and as painless as possible... the only good thing that's happened today is that he woke up early just to wake me up..isn't that sweet..

..i want to go home... i wana sleep the whole day..

..i know this day will not be a good one...i just hope that i'm wrong about this day...