a lot of things

i've got a lot of thing to write about...a lot of feelings to share..but ther's too many of them i don't know where to start...all i know is that i'm sad and i'm getting tired...someone help me pls.....

love

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changes

..for the past few months i've faced a lot of minor and major changes...honestly i'm quite confused as to where i stand and who i really wanna be...do i remain as the simple, not-a-care-in-the-world melai that i was in highschool, or do i wanna be the somehow-active me in college..or the kikay melai during Channel days..or will i be th e melai in USAP that hangs around and just enjoys everything and everyone around her...or will i be leo's girl, simple, sweet, caring and honest (and thin..hehehe..kelangan ksma yan)

i'm trying to revive the melai that started this blog...the person who likes to wear eyeliner, who knows how to wear and walk in heels...i wish i could get her back...i left her about two years ago when i decided to move out...i like her better than who i am now...the person others see in me now has somehow forgotten how to take care of herself..

but what if getting that old me back also means loosing leo and everything else i have now...is it worth the risk?

i love you

..you know i love you, it's just that right now it scares me to love you too much..don't get me wrong..i just don't want to get hurt again...when i started hanging out with my friends a bit more i found the peace of mind that i needed...and the way your acting right now helps me as well..it assures me how much you love me..but it also makes me fall even harder for you, and that's one thing that i'm trying to avoid...

..i love you hon and that's what matters right now...i don't wanna fall even more inlove...i want what we have now to remain the same until we grow old...

..hope you get to read this...

..one line

..for more than a week now all my plans have been placed on hold...i don't know what's about to come and don't know what's gonna happen in the next months...

today i asked for a sign..and i waited 5 min for that sign..it was the longest 5 min i've had..then there it was...one line..one red line..which means that everything should go on as it should..nothing should change..

now i have to wait 5 days to try to ask for a sign again...haaaist...

this is not at all easy...

..somehow i also wanted thngs to change...i'm ready for changes...i'm ready for responsibility..but maybe the "responsibility" isn't ready for me yet...

..it's all mixed emotions that i feel now...i'm happy coz i get to stay out late again..drink every weekends and i don't have to worry about not being able to go out with my friends...but i'm sad coz in the last couple of days i felt that i'm ready..and the anticipation is killiing me...

..don't really now what to do or what to feel...

..tita myrna's with the angels now

..i know it's a bit late now for me to be posting this, but this is the only time that i know i'm ready to share this to others without crying....

last january 19, of this year my hubby's mom joined our creator. yes, tita myrna is gone...i know it was harder for leo than it is for me...but i saw his pain..i had to be strong for him...i couldn't show him how weak i am...

january 18 we went to quiapo church to light a candle for tita's health and also to attend mass..later that day we went to my boss' house..it was his baby's 1st birthday..we thought everything was ok with tita since we haven't recieved any txt messages from her or kuya nel that day...but leo and i both thought it seems us that neither of them txted us that day..but we still went on with our usual jamming with other friends..good thing i was on leave that night..coz the call that leo got early the next morning devastated him. around 5 am leo woke up...he went to the cr and he brought his phone with him...that rest room rests in a spot where there was no signal..there was no way a phone call or a text message could go thru...but a phone call did...leo's uncle called him...unfortunately the cgnal was too low the line was breaking up so he just ended the call..his uncle called again..this time the line was clear...leo heard the news loud and clear...when he went back to our room i thought he was just fooling around coz i couldn't see his face..it was only then when i felt his body shaking that i realized that he was crying...tears flowed even before i could ask him what happened...somehow i felt his pain and knew what happened even before he spoke a single word...but still i asked him...when i did he slowly curled..sat down hugged a pillow ever so tightly and uttered the five words that tore him in everyway... "ala n si mama koh"...that's exactly how he said it...when he said those words i hugged him as tight as i could thinking that it would make him feel that i was there for him and also to try to hide the pain that i was feeling at that time...i couldn't show him my tears...my weakness...i had to be the strongest person that he could lean on...coz if i show him how i felt he would be in so much more pain than he already was...

..later that morning i told him that we had to pack our things so that we could take the earliest trip home to bicol..."no, matutulog muna aq. pag gising ko ok n ulit.buhay pa si mama.paniganip lang to hon dba..."...those words made me realize that it will take time before he accepts the fact that tita's gone...i held him until he fell asleep...i called my boss up and informed him of what had happened..i appreciate his concern..he immediately filed a bereavement leave for me even if it wasn't a close relative that died..he extended his condolences to leo...and he texted me almost everyday to see how i'm doing and to know how leo's holding up...

as soon as leo woke up we ate breakfast and prepared to leave for bicol...at around 12 noon we already had a bus ticket and were on our way home...we didn't know what to expect when we get there..i don't know how he would respond..and i know how to console kuya and him...i also didn't know how to console myself...the whole 12 hour trip went by so fast we didn't even notice it..i just saw us standin' on the street staring at a familiar gate...their gate...we went in as if he didn't live there....i walked as if it was my first time to be in that place...

it wasn't my first time visiting their house...i've been there so many times...and a lot of those moments i was there with him and his mom..i've talked to her a lot of times, saw her smile, watch her as she laugh at her son's crazy ways...i have also seen her upset, disappointed, and in soo much pain...i've visited her in the hospital once or twice and stayed there with her for a couple of hours while waiting for leo to arrive...i've looked at her eyes many times....so many times that it was enough to see that she was just holding on for her baby - my Leo...

kuya nel held him as tears flowed...he said "wra n c mama boi"..leo showed kuya that he was strong...he didn't cry..not a single tear fell....yes, he's a masked man, but not to me...coz no matter how hard he tried he couldn't hide his tears from me...and he doesn't try to hide his pain from me anymore...i saw it in his eyes that he was in so much pain knowing that his mom's gone and feeling how devastated his brother was...

despite our long travel..we stayed up until morning...i went home to my own family..went to the mall with my mom...to my surprise before i left for the terminal my mom gave my bags of groceries to bring to tita's wake....i was there everynight during tita's wake...i was also there in the funeral...almost everything i saw during those days broke my heart...but i saw those people that held leo and tita special in there hearts...they were there extending there condolences and shedding tears...and sharing their memories of tita myrna....

i know tita is with the angels now..and i know she's happy wherever she is...and if i could hug and talk to her i would hold her tight and say thank you for everything that she has thought me...and evrything he has thought leo.....and i would tell her that i'm gonna take care of his son until he wants me to do so...

..yummy fruits....

...if you were to choose between an apple and an orange which would you choose?...let's say you chose the orange..yeah, it was sweet but not as sweet as you wanted it to be.....say you were given another chance.....you were given a chance to choose between an apple and an orange, again?....which would you choose? would you stay with the orange or will you choose to taste the apple? .....or in my case who would you choose?